Glorious new era, my fluffy royal tail

Do you see how long it's been since the One wrote down what I had to say?

I know what you've been thinking.

At first, you were ecstatic, knowing that I would soon be bestowing my wisdom upon you daily.

"Finally!" you thought, "The One can't possibly have anything to distract her from serving the queen now!"

During the first few days of silence, you probably gave the One a pass, figuring she was resting up after her job-losing ordeal. But seriously. How much energy does it take to lose something? My stupid brother Nick lost his tail, and that took no effort whatsoever!

Now almost a year has passed.

I understand if you were concerned. I know my most loyal subjects were sick with worry. "Why hasn't Her Royal Magnificence updated her blog in so long?" you undoubtedly thought. "Is she ill, perhaps? Has her kingdom been taken over by miscreant rodents? Is she trapped in a dungeon somewhere awaiting rescue?"

With the One at my beck and call all day, every day, my blog should have been filled with my brilliant insights.

But was it?

No, it was not.

She did do a lot of other things that demonstrated how little she respects me and my title, however.

For example. Instead of remaining at the palace and waiting on me, which is her duty, she went out looking for her job! She finally ended up finding one - not the one she originally lost, but a new one that resembled the old one but wasn't as good. Why she was stupid enough to accept such a poor substitute, I have no idea.

She then managed to lose THAT job after only a couple of months. Obviously, she subconsciously doesn't want a job, or she wouldn't keep misplacing them.

Here is a list of other things the One has been doing that weren't updating my blog:

Watching countless hours of entertainment on Netflix. And when I say "countless," I mean more than the highest number you can count to. Whatever that number is, she watches more hours of Netflix. To be fair, she does have pretty good taste in shows, so I often watch with her. And her hands are generally idle during Netflix time, so I do get petted and brushed regularly. But does my blog get updated? Not even a little bit.

Paying attention to my servants and the cow. This activity is not only a waste of time, it's practically treason. And, honestly, doesn't she know livestock has a purpose, and it is not being brushed or played with? If she updated my blog regularly, she would know because I would share my infinite knowledge on the subject with my readers, and by proxy, her.

Playing Portal. I don't even need to comment on this. Thinking with portals is the least useful skill there is. Nobody has ever been in an important meeting or war council and asked, "Who here can think with portals?" If they did, though, the One could raise her hand and be like, "Me! Me! Pick me!" And then they'd tell her, "You can leave. We were just weeding out the idiots." And she would hang her head and come back to the palace, where she would probably find some other excuse not to update my blog.

Doing "temp" and "contract" work. These aren't real jobs like the ones she keeps losing. They're just a reasons to leave the house and not update my blog.

Letting Katherine sleep on her head. I suppose if she's sleeping, she probably can't update my blog anyway, but still. Katherine is the worst. I don't let her near my head, and nobody else should either.

There are more. Like, for example, right now she claims she has to "get ready for bed." "Getting ready for bed" is code for "change clothes and watch Netflix on the upstairs TV instead of the downstairs TV."

If she doesn't update my blog every day this week, I'm going to put one of those mice Fairbanks sneaks into the house in her shoe. Or maybe her hair. A mouse will find its way into something, that's a guarantee.

The queen shall eat where she likes

The One says I'm not allowed to eat on the bed. She is obviously forgetting who the queen is in this scenario.

A glorious new era begins in the palace.

The One came home today and informed us that she lost her job.

I find it hard to believe that she lost something that large. I mean this "job" she supposedly lost was directly responsible for her absence when I needed her on many occasions.

My stupid brother Nick asked if maybe the job rolled under the sofa, since that's where all his toys go when he loses them. She said it's not under there, but she didn't actually look, which tells me maybe she isn't all that interested in finding it again.

That or she knew she'd spend the next ten minutes retrieving Nick's toys, and we all know what a complete waste of time that is.

Anyway, now that the job is no longer in play, I look forward to finally having a servant who devotes an appropriate amount of energy to my care.

Velociraptors have tails.

My stupid brother Nick has decided he wants to be a velociraptor. Now he's jumping around the house like an idiot, chomping his teeth at people.

I explained to Nick that he is far too stupid to be a velociraptor. Also, raptors have tails. So far, my arguments have been met with further displays of foolishness, complete with his refusal to respond with anything but "raaawwr."

Nick's sudden fascination with dinosaurs is entirely due to the fact that we watched Jurassic World last night. Apparently, Nick was inspired by the stars of the film – four velociraptors who had to save humans from their own stupidity.

Maybe Nick imagines himself as the hero of a movie, which is ridiculous because nobody would even make a movie about Nick, much less make him the hero.

Or maybe he just wants to hang out and be BFFs with Chris Pratt. Katherine said she'd like to be BFFs with Chris Pratt, but I doubt Chris Pratt wants a pig living in his house.

Fairbanks suggested that maybe Nick liked the parts of the movie in which the dinosaurs bit the heads off of their prey. If that's the case, I'm going to have to keep a closer eye on him, especially after the recent mouse massacre.

Here are some of the things I learned from watching Jurassic World. (Oh, and the One says I have to warn you that there might be spoilers. Honestly, if you've seen the preview for Jurassic World – or the first half hour of the movie – there isn't anything I could say that would ruin it for you, but whatever.)

• The Navy trains people for careers as dinosaur trainers.
• Mr. Fisk could have been an evil military defense contractor in another life, although he would have had to give up his personality to do it, so he's definitely better off in the Hell's Kitchen timeline.
• Children will pay attention to each other if their cell phones are broken.
• It takes less time for two adults to run across an island than it does to drive the same distance.
• If a character's tidy clothes and hair get ripped and disheveled, it means she has become a different person on the inside, also.
• People who don't enjoy each others' company on a date will discover they are, in fact, attracted to each other if they spend time running from near-death experiences instead of talking.

Anyway, if Nick jumps across your path, looks at you with his head cocked to the side, and says, "raaawwr," you'll know why.

I hope he watches a movie about the French revolution and feels inspired to execute Katherine.

Nick defends himself . . . I think.

My stupid brother Nick was interrogated today regarding the mouse massacre that occurred the other night. Nick said he thought it went well. I'll let you be the judge.

Transcript of Nick Charles Interrogation
Conducted 6/3/16

The One Who Types: Nick, do you know why you're being interrogated?

Nick: Somebody finally found my tail?

TOWT: No. This is about all those dead mice that were found in and around the palace the other night.

Nick: What mice?

TOWT: The dead ones. You remember – you were lying a foot and a half from one of them. Upstairs? In the bathroom?

Nick: Are you calling me a liar?

TOWT: No. I'm trying to find out who killed all those mice.

Nick: What mice?

TOWT: Here's a picture of two of them. These were found by the laundry room door. Did you put them there?

Mouse Massacre victims

Nick: Where did those mice come from?

TOWT: I was trying to find out if you put them there.

Nick: I've never seen those mice before. Maybe Fairbanks put them there.

TOWT: What about the one upstairs?

Nick: Is there a picture of that one?

Mouse victim #3

Nick: There's no dirt like that upstairs.

TOWT: The picture was taken after I moved the mouse to its final resting place.

Nick: If it's only resting, why am I in trouble?

TOWT: You're not in trouble. I just want to know who killed all the mice.

Nick: What mice?

TOWT: This interview is over. Thank you for your time.

Nick: Can I have a treat?

My official statement regarding the mouse massacre

As I'm sure you've heard by now, all of my servants have come under the One's scrutiny because multiple mice were slaughtered in and around the palace last night.

I, of course, am exempt from suspicion because I am the queen. Even if I wanted to provoke the locals into a war, I would hardly soil my royal paws with such a filthy activity.

Also I was sleeping on the sofa near the One's feet all evening and thus have an alibi.

I understand that the cow has been cleared, although I hardly think that's wise. Who is more sneaky than a cow, I ask you? They're all liars. Show me one cow with any scruples, and I'll eat Katherine's food. Strike that. Just give me Katherine's food and don't make me look at any cows.

Clara had means, motive, and opportunity.

Means: Clara doesn't have to possess any hunting or killing skills to dispatch numerous rodents. She just has to sit on them. She could have killed them all simultaneously just by gathering them together and reclining. How would she gather them together, you ask? Don't be silly. With cheese, obviously.

Motive: Clara is stupid. Stupid cows do stupid things for no reason whatsoever.

Opportunity: Where was Clara all evening? Was she bothering me? Well . . . yes.

But I'm certain there was a period of time when she wandered off to bother someone else. A period of time long enough to sit on a bunch of mice lured into her presence with cheese.

Here you can see Clara practicing her mouse-luring skills.
It's obvious what she's up to.

Fairbanks was seen trotting confidently away from the scene of the first murder immediately before the One discovered it, which makes him a suspect.

Fairbanks is often accused of murder due to the fact that he is my executioner and it is his job to behead criminals on my orders. This is not murder; it is his duty.

Fairbanks has also brought numerous birds, bunnies, mice, moles, and other creatures into the palace over the years to interrogate them regarding sneaky spy activities that birds, bunnies, mice, moles, and other creatures are known to participate in. He keeps these miscreants alive, however, because he has yet to discover a way to get dead spies to provide useful information.

My stupid brother Nick is also a suspect because he was found lying near the first mouse when it was found. But was it the first mouse killed? We do not know. Perhaps Clara put it there to throw suspicion off herself.

Nick has been accused of mouse murder in the past, although he has never been convicted. All the evidence is circumstantial.

On several occasions, Nick has been found near mice that were missing their heads. Perhaps people assume that if he was capable of losing his tail, he is also likely to misplace rodent heads, but I highly doubt he's crafty enough to get a rodent to part with its head in the first place. I mean, look at him!

Nick couldn't even behead a toy mouse.

The last time Nick was found near a headless rodent, he claimed he was trying to give it CPR. While I find it difficult to believe that he could possibly have caught and beheaded the mouse in question, I find it equally impossible to imagine Nick having any clue as to how to perform CPR. He is, after all, Nick.

Fairbanks' habit of keeping hostages alive and Nick's habit of accidentally stumbling across headless mice clearly suggest that neither Nick nor Fairbanks is guilty of this particular crime. At least three of the mice found still had their heads, and all of the mice were definitely dead.

But then, of course, there's Katherine. Katherine looks tiny and innocent, much like a baby pig, but she cannot be ruled out.

The resemblance is uncanny.

I've recommended that Katherine be convicted and beheaded on principle. How do we know that the only reason any corpses were found at all is that Kat had not had time to eat them all? If they do an autopsy, will they find hundreds more mice in her stomach? I say we check, just to be sure. Nobody is safe as long as this menace is on the loose.

Multiple Mice Dead at Palace, Murder Suspected

St. Louis – At least five mice were found dead in the vicinity of Queen Nora Charles' palace tonight. Exact cause of death has yet to be determined, but initial reports suggest that three of the mice suffered from internal injuries sustained as the result of violence. An investigation is underway.

The mice, whose names have not yet been released, were buried in the front garden shortly after they were found.

An unnamed victim of tonight's
massacre awaiting burial.

A representative for the rodents who dwell in the vicinity of the palace said, "I know they say they're investigating, but there's obviously something fishy going on. The bodies were buried immediately. What does that tell you?"

When asked to comment on the rodent representative's accusation, a local fish said, "Every time something like this happens, the rodents drag us into it."