The queen's purrview

One of my favorite parts of the day is when we are served a feast of squishy food in the morning, as opposed to the crunchy lumps we get throughout the rest of the day. I have ordered the kitchen to serve squishy food at least four times a day, but the One Who Distributes Food has ignored my demands thus far. Since she is the only one who knows how to open the containers in which the squishy food is packaged, I dare not throw her in the dungeon . . . at least not until another of my minions masters the can-opening procedure.

Of course, we don’t get fed until after the One Who Takes Her Time wastes half the morning doing things that are NOT required to serve squishy food. For example, there's an indoor rain-creator and all manner of drying and fiddling with things. The palace dwellers are all hustled inside if it even looks like it might rain – even me, and I'm the one who makes the rules – but the One Who Showers Daily can just stand in the water for as long as she likes.

When my headsman, Fairbanks, gets caught out in the rain and comes in with his fur all wet, he gets wrapped in a towel and hugged. Fairbanks is super picky about when he gets hugged, and it is rarely right after he comes in from one of his adventures. So that's always an amusing few minutes.

If the One Who Wraps Minions in Towels expects hugs when she comes out of the rain, she has another think coming. She wastes enough time without adding hugs to the mix. Plus she's wet. Eeuuw.

Anyway, the only part of this routine that is acceptable is the part where the One Who Wastes Time Before Breakfast brushes my hair, although as soon as Clara the Cow sees me getting attention, she plops her giant body in between the One Who Brushes and myself so SHE can be brushed. She has no respect for my status as queen or anyone's breakfast schedule.

So, this routine takes FOREVER. Sometimes Clara the Cow has to drink out of the sink faucet several times, too, just to make everything take even longer.

After an eternity of wasted time upstairs, we finally get to go downstairs to the kitchen. Except for Nick, who, as is appropriate for his status as the queen’s brother, dines in his quarters (also known as the bedroom, which is ridiculous because there are beds in every room of the palace).

Fairbanks sits outside and guards the palace while the squishy food is served to make sure nobody from a neighboring realm tries to sneak in and abscond with our feast. 

My food-tester, Katherine, loves her job so much, she actually sticks her head into her dish before the One Who Serves finishes scooping out her small portion. I’m glad she is so enthusiastic about making sure I am not served poisoned food, although I hate her, so I sometimes kind of wish the food would poison her and put me out of my misery. After she eats her food, she runs up to Nick’s quarters and tests his food, but he’s usually half done with it by then, so her efforts are wasted. She eats it anyway, because she’s an idiot.

Of course Clara the Cow eats all of her food and then goes looking in everyone else's dish to see if they left any for her. Which, as you know, is the purview of the Queen, so she is out of line.

[Editor's Note: Nick thinks Nora's use of the word, "purrrview" is hilarious and is now giggling like a madman.]