How did we end up here?

When it came time to seek out a new palace, Nick and I each put together a list of the qualities we required in a new ambassador/caretaker.

Here is my list:

• Fashionable and polished, as is befitting of a representative for the queen and royal family
• A confident public speaker and diplomatic communicator
• Has great respect for the long-standing traditions of the royal house
• Completely lacking in ego; willing to put aside everything in service to the crown 
• An excellent strategist with experience quelling uprisings of all kinds
• A skilled brushist

Here is Nick's list:

• Nice

It has become clear to me that something went terribly wrong during the interview process. 

New and Improved Nursery Rhymes

Dear Adoring Public,
Let's face it: Regular nursery rhymes are lame (just like my blonde typist--ha-ha!). They don't reference my life in any way. So I ask you: What's the point? (Note: That is a rhetorical question. Don't bother answering. Your response is as unnecessary as it is unneeded.) As usual, it is up to moi, Your Benevolent and Brilliant Ruler, to right this societal wrong. As a true Renaissance Royal, I have dabbled in poetry over the years, yet, because I am so humble and unassuming, I have never published under my own name. Until now, obviously.


Hey Diddle Diddle
Hey diddle diddle
Cats don't play fiddles.
The Clara jumped over the moon
But she's fat so she crashed
And the moon--it was smashed
And the world laughed at that buffoon.


--The True Nursery Rhymes, by Queen Nora


P.S. OMG. I am so horrified. Apparently a GOOSE is responsible for writing these rhymes!! A. Freaking. GOOSE!! Geese are mean and smelly and disgusting, and hang out in the WATER. That right there is a statement of their stupidity and irrelevance. They are not precious and cute and cuddly like kitty cats.


Private to M.G.: Calling yourself "Mother" does not, in any way, make you more appealing. Ever heard of Joan Crawford? RENOUNCE YOUR STORYTELLING PLATFORM AT ONCE, GOOSE, OR I SHALL BE FORCED TO TAKE SWIFT AND FAST ACTION TO BEHEAD AND/OR DECAPITATE YOU!

The QNC Test - Rating movies based on what's actually important

You've all heard of the Bechdel Test, I assume.

You haven't? Okay. Well, the Bechdel Test is a film analysis tool used (from what I can tell) to demonstrate the absence of realistic portrayals of women's relationships in cinema.

To apply the test to the movie of your choice, you must determine if the movie a) has at least two female characters (with names) who b) talk to each other c) about something other than a man. If the movie does not fulfill these three criteria, it fails.

So, 12 Angry Men does not pass . . .

. . . but Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead totally does.

As interesting as all of this is (and by interesting, I mean irrelevant), all these film analyzers are completely missing the point. Most movies have both males and females in them (and if they don't, they're probably about martial arts or they're artsy films about a single character trying to keep his boat from sinking) – how many of them feature cats as significant elements to the story?

Having a hard time thinking of any? That's what I thought.

I call this the QNC Test [Editor's note: Nora felt it was fitting to name the test after herself, Queen Nora Charles], and I expect it to become the next big thing among film aficionados. As you consider all those films you think are so insightful, ask yourself: Does a member of the feline species actively contribute to the progression of the story? If not, the film fails. See how that side dish to your film-snobbery tastes.

I'm pleased that in 2013, the Coen Brothers managed to deliver a film that passes the QNC Test. Inside Llewyn Davis features a cat who is not relegated to the role of background scenery – or worse, a tool to create empathy for a character (yes, that's a thing - ask Blake Snyder).

The Coen Brothers understand how a cat can move
a story forward in subtle but significant ways.

I understand that in the original script for the play (and later the movie) Harvey, the pookah was a cat, but someone thought a rabbit would be more whimsical [Editor's note: Nora has no proof of this claim.]. Cats can be whimsical. We just choose not to.

Imagine how much better off Elwood P. Dowd would have been if Harvey had been a cat. He certainly wouldn't have had to worry about that meddling sister of his very long – cats have ways of handling meddling sisters that apparently rabbits are unaware of.

Harvey would have put a stop to all this nonsense
if he had been a cat.

[Editor's note: The film Harvey does pass the Bechdel test, FYI.]

I encourage all my readers to seek out other films that pass the QNC Test, make sure your own scripts pass the QNC Test when you write them, and demand that Hollywood start making movies that appropriately illustrate the important roles cats play in the lives of their minions. It's time for cats to be treated with the respect we deserve (and by cats, I mean me.)