An open letter to the Palace Patrol Association

I found this letter and thought it should be posted publicly.

I don't know who wrote it, but it was obviously someone extremely intelligent, and probably beautiful and deserving of a brushing as well (I'm assuming based on the quality of the writing).

---

Dear Palace Patrol Association,

There's someone who has barnyard animals on their palace property, and I don't like pigs or cattles for the following reasons:

1. They stink.
2. They are rude and fat and ugly.
3. Or they're skinny and bulimic and ugly.
4. They touch my stuff.
5. They have no manners.
6. They breathe my air.
7. They look at me.
8. No, I'm not a bigot against pigs and cows. I love them. They're especially delightful ground up in my breakfast.
9. They push unsuspecting lovely royalty off cliffs.
10. I hate them.

Doesn't this palace association have rules against livestock on the property?

You have until noon tomorrow to ground them into squishy food, or exile them to a desert island, where the pig will have to kill and eat the cow to sustain herself for the first day. After that, the pig will starve to death, and the world will be a better place.

Also, I think you should charge a fine to the disobedient resident who allowed these vermin on the property in the first place. You know where to find her.

Royally yours,
Anonymous

The most horrifying video on the Internet

No.

Just . . . NO.

It's this sort of thing that leads livestock to think it's okay to just live in palaces alongside royalty.

Unacceptable.

Worst criminal investigation ever.

Yesterday while the One was at work. Clara the cow sat on me and nobody did anything about it.

Photographic evidence unavailable.
Because I don't have my own phone.

I informed the One as soon as she walked in the door, expecting my report would be met with wrath in Clara's general direction – or at least an uninterrupted period of brushing while Clara was locked in the garage. Instead she investigated my accusations like she'd been watching too many procedural crime dramas on TV.

Her report to the Blonde One following her investigation went as follows:

The One Who Types: I wasn't home when the incident occurred, and the eye-witness accounts are a little hard to reconcile against each other.

Seriously?? Reconcile against each other? Who talks like that? Nobody. That's who.

The Blonde One: Huh.

TOWT: Nick says Clara was with him all afternoon, so she has an alibi.

Of COURSE Nick gave Clara an alibi. She's his best friend! Any good investigator knows not to ask the best friend where the suspect was when the crime occurred. Best friends always lie. And besides, Nick was napping nearby, so the fact that he was with Clara doesn't absolve her of guilt.

TOWT: Fairbanks says Clara also tried to sit on him, but he got up and left the room, which solved the problem.

So, now Fairbanks is victim blaming me?? Like, if I don't want to be sat on in my own palace, I should have to leave my comfortable spot and sleep elsewhere? Not cool, Fairbanks. You're on my list now.

TOWT: Katherine says she doesn't remember what happened. While she was saying it, though, she winked and meaningfully glanced at the treats, not-so-subtly indicating that her memory might be jogged with an appropriate greasing of her paw. It's unlikely that her testimony would be in Nora's favor, though.

Like there was even any point in asking Katherine. She's useless. I hate her.

Why would anyone adopt this
hideous creature?

TOWT: Clara said she has sat on Nora numerous times in the past, and Nora didn't object, so she was within her rights.

That's not a defense. She just admitted she sat on me!

TBO: Stop right there. I've met Clara, and I know all she EVER says is "moo."

Best answer ever.



Clara still didn't get punished, though.

Dear Cat Sitter . . .

It appears that the One mistakenly thinks she has been granted leave to visit a kingdom called "Mexico."

Obviously, there is no way she'd be given permission to abandon her queen, especially so soon after she disappeared to "Atlanta" for "DragonCon" and was gone for months [Editor's Note: It was four days]. I have forbidden any leaving of any palaces for the next year as punishment for that bit of insubordination. She's grounded. That's all I have to say on the subject.

However, if a year should pass and she should manage to avoid adding any time to her sentence for poor behavior, I have put together this guide to providing proper care for myself and my stupid brother Nick.

A portrait of Queen Nora and Prince Nick

I assume the One will expect you to care for Fairbanks, Clara, and Katherine as well. Fairbanks is useful, so you may care for him in any way you wish, but I would be willing to pay handsomely if you could, maybe, just forget to feed the cow and the other one. It would be perfectly understandable if something like that slipped your mind. Especially if they were to end up locked in a bathroom or stuffed into a box before you showed up.

Official Cat-Sitter Instructions

Nick and I eat squishy food every day. Fairbanks can have squishy food, too. Clara is a cow, so put her outside and tell her to eat some grass. If we're lucky, she'll wander off and forget to come back. There's no need to feed Katherine. She is old and sickly and we're just waiting for her to die of natural causes . . . (shut up, Nick - starvation is a natural cause!).

Nobody is allowed to sit on my counter-blanket but me.

Some people don't follow directions well at all.

Never pet Clara the Cow. Petting her only encourages her to stay. I am certain that if everyone just stopped petting her, she'd wander off and forget where she lives.

Still on my blanket. 

Also, I drink a lot of water, so make sure all the water bowls in the house are filled at all times. Then fill a regular glass with water and set it on a table or counter where I can drink out of it. I don't drink out of peasant bowls, but I do expect them to be full. Just in case. You might have to come over three or four times a day to see to this requirement. I would text you to remind you, but the One won't let me have my own cell phone.

You see what I have to put up with??

Finally, Nick is a big weenie, so you might not see much of him. But if you do, you should definitely pet his face because he really likes that, and he won't speak up for himself, so I have to do it.

Feel free to walk all over Nick.
Everyone else does.

Oh. And I would like to be brushed every three hours. Around the clock, naturally.

Those are your instructions. IF I ever let the One leave town again. I may not.

I will still allow you to come over and brush me every three hours, however.

You're welcome.

When Nicks Cry: A Tale of Immeasurable Disappointment

A spectacular moment of triumph was ripped from my grasp this morning. I may never forgive my stupid brother Nick for interfering in what should have been the best day of my life (besides the moment Nick was deemed unworthy of the crown due to his tail misplacement and I was coronated in his place).

Fairbanks FINALLY agreed to execute Katherine. Whether his execution docket was so full that he just got around to her, or he's been slacking all this time, I can't say. I mean, who really knows where he disappears to when he's outside and nowhere to be found for hours? Perhaps he has been diligently carrying out my orders of execution all this time, and he's just been being humble when I've asked him where he's been, and he's said, "around."

Anyway, it was Katherine's time. Fairbanks lured her into the bathroom with a promise of extra squishy food, knowing the One would be closing the door during her shower, thus preventing Kat's escape.

Once the One was in the shower, Fairbanks attacked. An epic battle ensued (who knew Katherine was such a scrappy little thing?) with snarling and hissing and fur and toilet paper flying.

The aftermath

I listened gleefully for the sound of Katherine's lifeless body falling to the floor.

Instead, the sound I heard was Nick crying. I don't know if you have ever heard Nick cry, but it is a horrible, pitiful sound that echos throughout the palace and sets the teeth of all who hear it on edge.

Apparently, Nick was (in his words) "afraid someone was going to get hurt."

"Of COURSE someone is going to be hurt, stupid," I said, "that's what happens when someone is executed!"

Nick continued to howl, and Fairbanks opened the door to find out what he was so upset about. (Fairbanks either has a door-opening superpower he failed to disclose on his application for headsman, or the One didn't make sure the latch was true when she shut the door.)

So, the execution was put on hold while Fairbanks discussed the concept of "inside voice" with Nick and Katherine ripped off pieces of toilet paper and ate them. Because Katherine will eat anything.

Still alive.

I hate her.

If Nick weren't my brother, I'd have killed him myself, even if it IS unbecoming for a queen to soil her paws with manual labor. I think maybe his brains were in his tail.

What I learned from watching The Walking Dead

The One says I have to say SPOILER ALERT before I can start writing my blog. Did she warn me that she was going to spoil my life by allowing Katherine to live in the palace? She did not.

One of my favorite shows is The Walking Dead because, following the zombie apocalypse, all the cats realized how foolish they'd been to ignore their queen for so long, but when they begged her to let them enjoy the safety of the palace, she laughed at them all and said, "no!" [Editor's note: This does not constitute a spoiler, since it did not actually happen on The Walking Dead.] Also, zombies ate a cow [Editor's note: Spoiler alert in 3 - 2 - 1].

There weren't any pictures of the cow, but here's
a picture of what happened afterwards, which
was almost as good because Dale was a little bitch.

Another thing I loved about The Walking Dead was the nice group of men Daryl joined up with for a while who lived by a well conceived code. If any of these men saw something he wanted, all he had to do was yell "CLAIMED" and he got to keep it. If I lived in the post-zombie-apocalypse world, I would have my minions run around and claim everything for me.

CLAIMED!

Here is the latest thing I claimed.

It's a kitchen cabinet. I get to sit in it anytime the One removes the cat food container. I explained to her that, because I claimed the cabinet, she has to take the food container out whenever I tell her to and let me sit in there, but she doesn't quite seem to grasp the concept. Which is stupid because she watched The Walking Dead with me, so she knows about the rule.

Clara still can't have half my food.

This morning, the One did not get up and pay attention to me at her usual time. Something about a "Saturday," which is apparently a euphemism for "day Nora doesn't get fed at her usual time." Not that this was the first Saturday we've encountered. It happens routinely. But a queen is only born with so much patience, and mine has run out.

This is what it looks like when a queen dies
of boredom. Or starvation. I haven't decided which.

Fortunately, I have several minions at my disposal. Plus Katherine, but she's not useful in any way. I announced that I would give half my squishy food to anyone (other than Katherine, obviously) who convinced the One to get up.

I hate Katherine.

Usually, when faced with a challenge, Fairbanks is ready to jump up and pee on something, which pretty much guarantees action on the part of the One. But he just opened one eye and muttered something about waking him when it was time to go outside and patrol his territory (he was clearly half asleep or he would have noticed his error - there is no territory that belongs to him; duh). It didn't seem wise to bother him again; he's ferocious when he wants to be.

Do not disturb.

To my surprise, Clara the Cow took action! Apparently she believed me when I offered half my squishy food to the victor (I told you she's stupid)!

Clara summarily jumped onto the headboard of the bed and knocked the One's half-full water glass onto the bed with her front paw! [Editor's note: True story.] It was magnificent! The One got out of bed immediately. I had no idea Clara had it in her.

It seems Clara may be more of an ally than I thought.

Then again . . . I've heard there's a cow disease that's highly contagious. I better keep my distance.

Steer clear - could be catching.

Outbursts from foreigners disturb sleep in the palace

A strange cat came to the door last night, yelled "Death to the revolutionaries!" and wandered off again.

I can only assume he was referring to the rodents, who stage uprisings occasionally when they forget what formidable foes Fairbanks and my stupid brother Nick can be. Perhaps he is aware of an upcoming plot on their part. Or perhaps he is simply a loyal subject who wished to gain my favor.

He was a striped cat. It is also possible he was a girl. I couldn't tell. I told the One to take a picture of him, but she said it was too dark outside. Also, she said it was too cold. I said if it was dark and cold out there, perhaps we should invite the visitor in for a nice treat or a nap, but she said he probably already has a home, and besides Fairbanks wouldn't approve.

As if Fairbanks's opinion is somehow more important than mine.

For the record, Fairbanks insists that what the strange cat actually yelled was, "Your territory has been breached!" He became quite agitated and may have peed on something - I can't be sure.

Clara thought the strange cat yelled, "Let's all go out for pancakes," which is just stupid. Everyone knows cows don't eat pancakes.

Nick told me later that he thought the strange cat yelled, "When barn swallows unite, the marbles will be upon us!" which doesn't even make any sense. Thank goodness he kept that to himself. People already look at him funny because . . . well, you know . . . the tail . . .

And I honestly don't care what Katherine thought he said because I hate Katherine.

If I am able to find out more about either the strange cat or a possible rodent uprising, I shall inform you immediately.

The Queen has spoken

Katherine ate my food!

The One is about to learn what happens to those who defy me.

This morning, I was lying in bed looking forward to enjoying a lovely dish of room-temperature squishy food and considering opening a window while the One's at work and pushing Clara the Cow out of it.

The One distributes the squishy food to the others before she brings me mine because I am special. And because Katherine shoves her head into her dish before the food has even landed. 

I hate Katherine.

Anyway, the One brought my dish of food up to my bedroom and said to me, "Nora, you can't eat on the bed. Where do you want to eat?" [Editor's Note: This is true.]

"Where do I want to eat?" Really?
How about right where I AM, stupid.
Why do you think I'm sitting here like this?

Obviously, the One suffered some kind of brain damage in her sleep last night. I patiently informed her that, as her sovereign, I am, in fact, entitled to eat anywhere I choose.

Again, the One told me I couldn't eat on the bed. And, since her words were not appalling enough already, she proceeded to wave my dish of food near my face and then set it on the floor next to the bed. Have you ever had a servant wave a dish of food near your face and then set it out of reach? Demeaning? I should say so!

That's right. This is what outrage looks like.

Now, I don't have to tell you (or maybe I do – for all I know, you're as stupid as Clara), the floor is where the others eat. 

And my nemesis, Katherine, is one of the others.

I did my best to control my temper (I got my distemper shot recently, even though I didn't need one, as I have been the picture of decorum all my life due to my royal heritage) and rolled over on my back, the better to demonstrate my fearsome claws. Also, sometimes when I look particularly adorable, the One does what I want without argument.

The One did not do what I wanted without argument. She didn't even do what I wanted. She argued!

"Nora, I'm not going to feed you on the bed. If you want to eat, your food's down here." She pointed to my dish, sitting there, mocking me, on the floor.

At this point, I had no choice but to stand up and announce with all the authority I could muster, "You will feed me on the bed or there will be painful consequences. Possibly a beheading. And I will definitely push Clara the Cow out the window while you're at work."

And . . . this is the worst part. Okay. Not the worst part – that part is coming – but it was bad. Really really bad. The One said to me (this is so horrible, I don't even know if I can repeat it), "Nora if you stay on the bed, Katherine's going to eat your food."

She actually SAID that to me! That brain damage I mentioned? It's confirmed. Why would ANYONE say something so horrible? And to ME! She should be thankful she's ALLOWED to feed me! And here she is casually suggesting that the bane of my existence might be allowed to eat my food just because I stood my ground and demanded to be treated in a manner suitable to my station in life?

Well, let me tell you, I responded in the only way I possibly could. I lay back down with my back to her and refused to speak.

This move was intended to guilt the One into finally doing what she was supposed to do in the first place – feed me on the bed. But did she do that? She did not. And you know what happened? 

KATHERINE ATE MY FOOD!!!!!!!

I hope the One is prepared for the devastation and destruction that's about to rain down upon her life. When I'm finished with her, she'll be BEGGING to feed me on the bed. You just wait.

Also, I've almost figured out how to open the window. After Clara tumbles to her death, Katherine's next. The One wants to play this game? She has no idea who she's dealing with.

The siege is over!

Praise Me! The Contractor's siege has ended, and Nick and I are both still alive!

You lose this round, rodents!!

Nick and I have been in hiding for years [Editor's Note: Closer to four months, but I have to concur with Nora's perception on this one.]. It's hard to believe there's even a world to return to.

I know many of you were concerned. Perhaps you even speculated that I might be dead. I'm pleased to inform you that I am very much alive and well.

Like Anne Frank, I remained hidden away, sometimes starving and terrified, but always elegant and gracious [Editor's Note: Nora has been talking about Anne Frank a lot over the past months, but she doesn't seem to have much of a grasp on who Frank was or what happened to her.], even though my subjects were casting about for answers, because I knew my survival was critical

And now the day has come to emerge victorious. The Contractor did not find us, and he was ultimately forced to rebuild the sections of the palace he destroyed while he sought us out. As an added bonus, he apparently couldn't remember what the palace looked like before, because it doesn't resemble the original at all.

The Contractor attack continues.

Yesterday was Day 5 of the onslaught. We huddle together in the basement, listening to the Contractor's fury above. So far, I don't think he is aware that Nick and I are still in the palace, thank Me. If he knew, he undoubtedly would have stopped searching for us upstairs. He has now destroyed most of the walls and even some of the floor and ceiling on the first floor.

Fairbanks, who is smarter than all my other minions put together, has discovered a secret passageway out of the basement and has attempted to escape and bring back help several times. Unfortunately, the Contractor has found him each time and returned him to the basement to spy on the rest of us. Fairbanks has been loyal and has not given up Nick's and my position. I must remember to reward him when this is all over.

We thought that the One was seeking assistance each day while we hid, since she is always gone before the Contractor arrives and does not return until he is gone, but I am beginning to suspect that she is just going to work. It should not take this long for her to rally an army to come to our aid.

It occurs to me that perhaps the Contractor is afraid of the One, and if she were to just stay at the palace all day, he would not show up. This theory is being tested today - the One did not get up and leave this morning, and so far the Contractor has not appeared. If this is the case, we're going to abscond with Katherine's food, under the assumption that if Katherine starves to death, the One will be forced to stay home and grieve for at least a year. The One is foolishly naive when it comes to recognizing how awful Katherine truly is.

I send this message out into the world in the hopes that someone will read it and come to our aid. If it goes on much longer, the palace will be completely destroyed and my position will be found out. For the sake of the realm, we cannot allow the rodents to win. And, by the realm, I mean me.

The palace is under attack, and I have been forced to hide with Katherine and a cow.

Yesterday, the rodents sent a horrific monster called a "Contractor" to attack the palace. It ate all the bricks around the fireplace and smashed numerous holes in the walls surrounding the kitchen.

RIP bricks around the fireplace.
Sorry Contractors find you so tasty.

Fortunately, we knew it was coming, thanks to some fine spy work by Fairbanks, who captured a rodent informant and forced him to reveal the rebel army's plans.

Unfortunately, my stupid brother Nick accidentally murdered the informant shortly afterwards, leaving us with one less informant and a body to bury.

RIP rodent informant.
Sorry my stupid brother Nick is such a clumsy oaf.

Fortunately, we had enough information to know exactly when the Contractor would be arriving, so we were able to hide in the basement before it arrived.

Unfortunately, I was not able to convince the One that it was only critical to protect the royal members of the household (myself and my stupid brother Nick), so I had to spend the entire day in the basement with Katherine and Clara the cow.

Fortunately, the One left extra food down there with us, or we undoubtedly would have starved to death (and by we, I mean myself and Nick).

Unfortunately, Fairbanks was also trapped in the basement with us, so he was unable to vanquish the Contractor.

Fortunately, Fairbanks is working on a plan to escape through a secret hatch in the basement door. It's currently locked, but he believes he can find a way around it. When he does, he promises his first priority will be to amass an army and end the Contractor's reign of terror. It's a little hard for me to believe this, since his first task when he gets outside is usually to pee on the exterior wall, nibble on some grass, and take a nap, but he's our only hope, so I must take him at his word.

Until then, we must all huddle in the basement like rodents, which is obviously their diabolical intent.

I am unique. And also the queen.

It has recently come to my attention that some people have foolishly made comparisons between myself and Grumpy Cat. Apparently, these people think that because we are both feline, Grumpy Cat and I have similar qualities. This is speciesist. And also unacceptable. If they bothered to look past our heritage, they would see that Grumpy Cat and I, in fact, have nothing in common.

First of all – and most important – Grumpy Cat is not of royal birth. This in itself is reason enough to recognize that we are nothing alike. I am a queen. Grumpy Cat is a commoner. 'Nuff said.

And, in case that reason isn't significant enough, Grumpy Cat also hates everything. I do not hate everything. I hate Katherine. And most of the time I kind of hate Clara the Cow. Otherwise, I am a loving, generous, benevolent ruler. I don't complain about things - I solve problems swiftly and judiciously. I stay executions at least once or twice a month. I give my minions a day off when they earn it. And this morning I allowed Clara the Cow to eat some of my special royal food. I could easily have punched her in the face, but I chose not to. Because that's the kind of queen I am. And, for the record, she didn't even appreciate it. So, who's grumpy now?

In case there is any further confusion, here is a list of cats with whom I have nothing in common:


Grumpy Cat – Reasons stated above

Henri, le Chat Noir – I actually think Henri may have royal blood somewhere in his lineage, but that's irrelevant unless he plans to try to usurp my throne . . . or marry me. Royal blood or no, Henri has terrible social skills, which is why he is never invited to balls.

Maru – Does anyone actually know what this cat does that makes him notable? His ears don't even work right [Editor's note: Maru is a Scottish Fold]. Nick is cooler than this guy, and he doesn't have a tail!

Snoopy Cat – This cat wears clothes. Need I say more?

Sam – I don't have eyebrows.

Lil Bub - Seriously?

Not okay, Nick!

The most horrible thing happened this morning! My eyes are still burning from the sight. I may never recover!

My stupid brother Nick kissed Katherine on the nose!

I think I may barf.

A poem I wrote

Once upon a midnight dreary
As I pondered, weak and weary.
Waiting patiently for my treat
(I never get enough to eat)
I sat still, with nary a twitch
And in pranced Katherine,
That skinny bitch.
She jumped ahead and stole my snack
So I gave her a (mostly) gentle whack.
She toppled off the bed so fast
And landed on her scrawny ass.
She hissed and growled and then she spit
And Clara leaned over to watch her fit.
Gravity took over (or perhaps a light shove?)
And we watched the cow fall from above.
And then, oh no, oh dear! What's that?!
Clara landed on Katherine--SPLAT!
(I told you, you dumb cow, to lose some weight
But as a Kat-squisher, Clara--you're great.)
(Too bad you're a killer, so you're moving away.
All's well that ends well, I always say.)

10 Reasons I Hate Katherine

You will notice that it has been almost TWO WEEKS since the One Who Types bothered to add my wisdom to my blog. We have now gone from my original demand of a post per hour to a post per day to a post every two weeks? Not cool at all. I am devising a suitable punishment as I dictate this.

My stupid brother Nick says I'm too mean to Clara. He only says that because she's his best friend, so he doesn't notice how annoying she is. But, he is my brother, so I promised him I'd do my best to write a whole blog post without calling her a cow. He's not friends with Katherine, though . . .

Here are the top 10 reasons I hate Katherine:

1. Katherine eats everything in sight and never gains any weight.

2. Katherine eats my special food when nobody is looking.

3. Katherine always gets fed first.

4. Katherine always gets her bedtime treats first.

5. Katherine eats too fast and then barfs her food back up - usually right where I want to walk . . .  or where I might want to walk later.

6. Katherine sleeps on my throne.

7. Katherine touches my stuff.

8. Katherine isn't as cute as everyone says she is.

9. Katherine runs past me on the stairs.

10. Katherine lives in my palace.

Also, Katherine arrived with Joan, who I actually kind of liked. Joan got a tumor on her brain stem, and the One took her to the doctor to fix her, and Joan never came home again. But Katherine is still around.

The Queen has spoken.