Rumors of assassination plots equal holidays for the queen

While out on one of his adventures, Fairbanks heard whisperings.

No, Nick. Not wiskerings. Gawd, you are so stupid sometimes.

(Sometimes I wonder if Nick is actually related to me. What if he was a stray, commoner kitten who wandered into the royal nursery and somehow got mistaken for a royal kitten? That would certainly explain a few things.)

There is a distinct possibility that he is not related to me.

So, anyway, Fairbanks heard rumors that the rodents - or someone else equally unsavory - were plotting my demise.

Obviously an assassination attempt could have long-term effects, not only on the palace, but on my entire kingdom and beyond – this is how world wars get started, after all – so the One decided it would be a wise precaution to take me to a secure bunker until the threat had passed. 

The bunker also happened to be where the One works, which I must say was surprisingly . . . and perhaps suspiciously . . . convenient. But, I had my own blanket to sleep on, my own food and water, and my own litter box. AND, I got petted and brushed all day by multiple worshipers without having to share the attention with any stupid siblings or livestock.

I was, of course, concerned about the assassination attempt, so I judiciously remained in my blanket fort all day. But that was okay. It meant worshipers had to kneel to address me, which is exactly as it should always be.

My assassin-free blanket fort

A New Threat: The Arrival of Fat Bird

The rodent rebels have been quiet for some time now. Fairbanks still patrols for spies daily, and he reports that many of the rabbits he originally had on his watch list have either moved to camps far from the palace or grown into adult rabbits, which, he says, all look the same.

Yesterday, however, a new threat appeared. The whispers began mid-afternoon – someone was on the deck. I, of course, assumed it was Katherine, who goes out to find leaves to add to her collection, but no. Katherine was inside with Clara (who was not executed for the water-wake-up incident, despite my insistence that taking swift and decisive action would send a valuable message to the others), staring at the newcomer through the window.

My two least favorite minions discovered the
interloper. Coincidence? I think not.

The interloper was a fat brown bird. Clearly up to no good, she sat on the deck all afternoon and into the evening, fluffing her feathers and eyeing us through the window with beady, suspicious eyes.

Fat Bird

Fairbanks, who is supposed to be in charge of palace security, said he’d never seen her before, but he wasn’t interested in engaging unless she posed a more obvious threat. Like her very presence on my deck wasn’t threatening enough?? I’m seriously considering demoting Fairbanks. Or having him beheaded. He is becoming decidedly useless as he ages.

Useless

My stupid brother Nick was oblivious. Even when the One tried to point out the fat bird to him, he thought she was trying to pet him and just had really bad depth perception, so he helped her out by putting his head in her outstretched hand. He really is stupid.

Nick! Look behind you! Fat Bird is RIGHT THERE!!!

Here are some possible reasons for the fat bird’s presence on the palace premises:

1. Fat Bird is a spy for the rodent rebels and is gathering intel by pretending to be an innocent bird.

2. Fat Bird is a decoy for the rodent rebels, hoping to keep our attention on the deck in back of the palace while the rodents move in and lay siege to the front door.

3. Fat Bird is a French expatriate hiding from . . . the French.

4. Fat Bird is a diet guru who heard my complaints about Clara’s girth and has come to perform infomercials touting low-fat cow chow.

If it is any of the first three, I shall see to it that the fat bird comes to a swift and painful end. If it’s the fourth, the fat bird is obviously not an expert on losing weight (look at her!) and, so, hardly a fit spokesfowl for a diet product. A swift and painful end is probably the best course regardless.

Outbursts from foreigners disturb sleep in the palace

A strange cat came to the door last night, yelled "Death to the revolutionaries!" and wandered off again.

I can only assume he was referring to the rodents, who stage uprisings occasionally when they forget what formidable foes Fairbanks and my stupid brother Nick can be. Perhaps he is aware of an upcoming plot on their part. Or perhaps he is simply a loyal subject who wished to gain my favor.

He was a striped cat. It is also possible he was a girl. I couldn't tell. I told the One to take a picture of him, but she said it was too dark outside. Also, she said it was too cold. I said if it was dark and cold out there, perhaps we should invite the visitor in for a nice treat or a nap, but she said he probably already has a home, and besides Fairbanks wouldn't approve.

As if Fairbanks's opinion is somehow more important than mine.

For the record, Fairbanks insists that what the strange cat actually yelled was, "Your territory has been breached!" He became quite agitated and may have peed on something - I can't be sure.

Clara thought the strange cat yelled, "Let's all go out for pancakes," which is just stupid. Everyone knows cows don't eat pancakes.

Nick told me later that he thought the strange cat yelled, "When barn swallows unite, the marbles will be upon us!" which doesn't even make any sense. Thank goodness he kept that to himself. People already look at him funny because . . . well, you know . . . the tail . . .

And I honestly don't care what Katherine thought he said because I hate Katherine.

If I am able to find out more about either the strange cat or a possible rodent uprising, I shall inform you immediately.

The Queen has spoken

The siege is over!

Praise Me! The Contractor's siege has ended, and Nick and I are both still alive!

You lose this round, rodents!!

Nick and I have been in hiding for years [Editor's Note: Closer to four months, but I have to concur with Nora's perception on this one.]. It's hard to believe there's even a world to return to.

I know many of you were concerned. Perhaps you even speculated that I might be dead. I'm pleased to inform you that I am very much alive and well.

Like Anne Frank, I remained hidden away, sometimes starving and terrified, but always elegant and gracious [Editor's Note: Nora has been talking about Anne Frank a lot over the past months, but she doesn't seem to have much of a grasp on who Frank was or what happened to her.], even though my subjects were casting about for answers, because I knew my survival was critical

And now the day has come to emerge victorious. The Contractor did not find us, and he was ultimately forced to rebuild the sections of the palace he destroyed while he sought us out. As an added bonus, he apparently couldn't remember what the palace looked like before, because it doesn't resemble the original at all.

The Contractor attack continues.

Yesterday was Day 5 of the onslaught. We huddle together in the basement, listening to the Contractor's fury above. So far, I don't think he is aware that Nick and I are still in the palace, thank Me. If he knew, he undoubtedly would have stopped searching for us upstairs. He has now destroyed most of the walls and even some of the floor and ceiling on the first floor.

Fairbanks, who is smarter than all my other minions put together, has discovered a secret passageway out of the basement and has attempted to escape and bring back help several times. Unfortunately, the Contractor has found him each time and returned him to the basement to spy on the rest of us. Fairbanks has been loyal and has not given up Nick's and my position. I must remember to reward him when this is all over.

We thought that the One was seeking assistance each day while we hid, since she is always gone before the Contractor arrives and does not return until he is gone, but I am beginning to suspect that she is just going to work. It should not take this long for her to rally an army to come to our aid.

It occurs to me that perhaps the Contractor is afraid of the One, and if she were to just stay at the palace all day, he would not show up. This theory is being tested today - the One did not get up and leave this morning, and so far the Contractor has not appeared. If this is the case, we're going to abscond with Katherine's food, under the assumption that if Katherine starves to death, the One will be forced to stay home and grieve for at least a year. The One is foolishly naive when it comes to recognizing how awful Katherine truly is.

I send this message out into the world in the hopes that someone will read it and come to our aid. If it goes on much longer, the palace will be completely destroyed and my position will be found out. For the sake of the realm, we cannot allow the rodents to win. And, by the realm, I mean me.

The palace is under attack, and I have been forced to hide with Katherine and a cow.

Yesterday, the rodents sent a horrific monster called a "Contractor" to attack the palace. It ate all the bricks around the fireplace and smashed numerous holes in the walls surrounding the kitchen.

RIP bricks around the fireplace.
Sorry Contractors find you so tasty.

Fortunately, we knew it was coming, thanks to some fine spy work by Fairbanks, who captured a rodent informant and forced him to reveal the rebel army's plans.

Unfortunately, my stupid brother Nick accidentally murdered the informant shortly afterwards, leaving us with one less informant and a body to bury.

RIP rodent informant.
Sorry my stupid brother Nick is such a clumsy oaf.

Fortunately, we had enough information to know exactly when the Contractor would be arriving, so we were able to hide in the basement before it arrived.

Unfortunately, I was not able to convince the One that it was only critical to protect the royal members of the household (myself and my stupid brother Nick), so I had to spend the entire day in the basement with Katherine and Clara the cow.

Fortunately, the One left extra food down there with us, or we undoubtedly would have starved to death (and by we, I mean myself and Nick).

Unfortunately, Fairbanks was also trapped in the basement with us, so he was unable to vanquish the Contractor.

Fortunately, Fairbanks is working on a plan to escape through a secret hatch in the basement door. It's currently locked, but he believes he can find a way around it. When he does, he promises his first priority will be to amass an army and end the Contractor's reign of terror. It's a little hard for me to believe this, since his first task when he gets outside is usually to pee on the exterior wall, nibble on some grass, and take a nap, but he's our only hope, so I must take him at his word.

Until then, we must all huddle in the basement like rodents, which is obviously their diabolical intent.