Fat Bird has been vanquished. No thanks to any of you.

Fat Bird has been terrorizing the palace all week. Every day, she's been out on the deck, hopping around and harassing us with her feathery presence.

As you can see, I am enduring the torture
far more gracefully than the two idiots behind me.

Yesterday, Fairbanks finally agreed to confront her, and she flew away the moment she saw him. Today, there is no sign of her. I believe she has finally learned that messing with the queen is a dangerous game.

Who is this cat and why is he receiving exclusive royal perks?

Take a look at this.



Got it?

Now, my question.

IS THAT ME???

Answer: No. No it is NOT me. It is some other cat who is NOT the queen.

Another question: Why is that cat – the one who is NOT the queen – receiving extra brushing when I am not?

Can't answer that one, can you? Because someone has failed in her duties as the One Who Brushes.

I am unhappy.

Does this look like a happy face to you?
No. Because I am UN happy.

Someone better fix this.

And by fix, I mean have that cat executed and see to it that my extra brushing begin immediately!

At least it isn't Katherine.

The queen has spoken.

Return of Fat Bird: The Plot Thickens

Yesterday, I saw no sign of Fat Bird and assumed she had been shot out of the sky by an anti-nuisance missile. This morning, however, I came downstairs to discover that she had not only returned to her spot on the deck, but Clara was talking to her!

"What are they talking about?" you ask.
"Exactly," say I.

Clara was chattering away, as if sharing vital secrets regarding palace dwellers with strangers was a completely normal thing to do.

I told her to stop it at once. She looked cagey and claimed Fat Bird was trying to sell her some carb-free squishy food that had been “found” in a nearby warehouse. Like anyone would be stupid enough to fall for that. She was obviously lying to cover her tracks. She’s up to something; I’m sure of it.

I ordered Fairbanks to keep an eye on the two of them while I took my after-breakfast nap, but who knows if he’ll actually do it? He’s become extremely lazy of late.

A New Threat: The Arrival of Fat Bird

The rodent rebels have been quiet for some time now. Fairbanks still patrols for spies daily, and he reports that many of the rabbits he originally had on his watch list have either moved to camps far from the palace or grown into adult rabbits, which, he says, all look the same.

Yesterday, however, a new threat appeared. The whispers began mid-afternoon – someone was on the deck. I, of course, assumed it was Katherine, who goes out to find leaves to add to her collection, but no. Katherine was inside with Clara (who was not executed for the water-wake-up incident, despite my insistence that taking swift and decisive action would send a valuable message to the others), staring at the newcomer through the window.

My two least favorite minions discovered the
interloper. Coincidence? I think not.

The interloper was a fat brown bird. Clearly up to no good, she sat on the deck all afternoon and into the evening, fluffing her feathers and eyeing us through the window with beady, suspicious eyes.

Fat Bird

Fairbanks, who is supposed to be in charge of palace security, said he’d never seen her before, but he wasn’t interested in engaging unless she posed a more obvious threat. Like her very presence on my deck wasn’t threatening enough?? I’m seriously considering demoting Fairbanks. Or having him beheaded. He is becoming decidedly useless as he ages.

Useless

My stupid brother Nick was oblivious. Even when the One tried to point out the fat bird to him, he thought she was trying to pet him and just had really bad depth perception, so he helped her out by putting his head in her outstretched hand. He really is stupid.

Nick! Look behind you! Fat Bird is RIGHT THERE!!!

Here are some possible reasons for the fat bird’s presence on the palace premises:

1. Fat Bird is a spy for the rodent rebels and is gathering intel by pretending to be an innocent bird.

2. Fat Bird is a decoy for the rodent rebels, hoping to keep our attention on the deck in back of the palace while the rodents move in and lay siege to the front door.

3. Fat Bird is a French expatriate hiding from . . . the French.

4. Fat Bird is a diet guru who heard my complaints about Clara’s girth and has come to perform infomercials touting low-fat cow chow.

If it is any of the first three, I shall see to it that the fat bird comes to a swift and painful end. If it’s the fourth, the fat bird is obviously not an expert on losing weight (look at her!) and, so, hardly a fit spokesfowl for a diet product. A swift and painful end is probably the best course regardless.

The Water-Wake-Up Incident

I was sure Clara was going to be steaked this morning, but so far her only punishment has been having her name loudly shrieked. Which, frankly, is the lamest punishment ever invented. I mean, it’s never happened to me, but I seriously doubt that, if it were, it would have any impact whatsoever.

After Clara successfully got the One to get out of bed on Saturday by spilling a water glass on her head, she has attempted this maneuver several more times. 

Each time (prior to this morning), the One heard her scooting the glass across the headboard and put her hand up to stop the imminent shower before it happened. Clara assumed the hand was there to rub her cow-face and forgot about the water glass, so nothing exciting happened at all.

Look at her trying to look all innocent.
She is not innocent. She's a menace.
A bovine menace.

But this morning at about 5:30, the One must have been in a deep sleep because Clara managed to push the water glass all the way across the headboard and tip it over. Cold water cascaded across the pillows, the bed, and the One’s head and body. Fortunately, I was sleeping at the end of the bed; if any of that water had reached me, I would have sliced Clara’s throat open with my razor-sharp claws . . . or at least punched her in the face.

I have never seen the One move that fast. Ever. 

This was when the shriek occurred. 

Nick was excited because he thought she was going to get up and take all the sheets and blankets off the bed and then put new ones on – he loves helping her make the bed – but instead she just scooted over to the very edge of the mattress and tried to go back to sleep.

It didn’t work. The alarm went off soon after, and she got up and got ready to go to the job that she claims is important, even though I’ve never seen her smile when talking about it. Not once.

Fortunately, I did not have to get up and get ready to go anywhere, because I am royal.

Perhaps she will execute Clara when she gets back to the palace tonight. A queen can dream.

Clara still can't have half my food.

This morning, the One did not get up and pay attention to me at her usual time. Something about a "Saturday," which is apparently a euphemism for "day Nora doesn't get fed at her usual time." Not that this was the first Saturday we've encountered. It happens routinely. But a queen is only born with so much patience, and mine has run out.

This is what it looks like when a queen dies
of boredom. Or starvation. I haven't decided which.

Fortunately, I have several minions at my disposal. Plus Katherine, but she's not useful in any way. I announced that I would give half my squishy food to anyone (other than Katherine, obviously) who convinced the One to get up.

I hate Katherine.

Usually, when faced with a challenge, Fairbanks is ready to jump up and pee on something, which pretty much guarantees action on the part of the One. But he just opened one eye and muttered something about waking him when it was time to go outside and patrol his territory (he was clearly half asleep or he would have noticed his error - there is no territory that belongs to him; duh). It didn't seem wise to bother him again; he's ferocious when he wants to be.

Do not disturb.

To my surprise, Clara the Cow took action! Apparently she believed me when I offered half my squishy food to the victor (I told you she's stupid)!

Clara summarily jumped onto the headboard of the bed and knocked the One's half-full water glass onto the bed with her front paw! [Editor's note: True story.] It was magnificent! The One got out of bed immediately. I had no idea Clara had it in her.

It seems Clara may be more of an ally than I thought.

Then again . . . I've heard there's a cow disease that's highly contagious. I better keep my distance.

Steer clear - could be catching.

Outbursts from foreigners disturb sleep in the palace

A strange cat came to the door last night, yelled "Death to the revolutionaries!" and wandered off again.

I can only assume he was referring to the rodents, who stage uprisings occasionally when they forget what formidable foes Fairbanks and my stupid brother Nick can be. Perhaps he is aware of an upcoming plot on their part. Or perhaps he is simply a loyal subject who wished to gain my favor.

He was a striped cat. It is also possible he was a girl. I couldn't tell. I told the One to take a picture of him, but she said it was too dark outside. Also, she said it was too cold. I said if it was dark and cold out there, perhaps we should invite the visitor in for a nice treat or a nap, but she said he probably already has a home, and besides Fairbanks wouldn't approve.

As if Fairbanks's opinion is somehow more important than mine.

For the record, Fairbanks insists that what the strange cat actually yelled was, "Your territory has been breached!" He became quite agitated and may have peed on something - I can't be sure.

Clara thought the strange cat yelled, "Let's all go out for pancakes," which is just stupid. Everyone knows cows don't eat pancakes.

Nick told me later that he thought the strange cat yelled, "When barn swallows unite, the marbles will be upon us!" which doesn't even make any sense. Thank goodness he kept that to himself. People already look at him funny because . . . well, you know . . . the tail . . .

And I honestly don't care what Katherine thought he said because I hate Katherine.

If I am able to find out more about either the strange cat or a possible rodent uprising, I shall inform you immediately.

The Queen has spoken