Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Unauthorized construction - beheadings to follow

Someone got it into her head that my palace needed a new bathroom. I was not consulted regarding this decision; I was just napping peacefully one day, and a team of strangers came into the palace and started tearing up the bathroom without my permission. Fairbanks tried to stop them by peeing on one of the new walls they put up, but they just told the One Who Types to clean it up and continued with their destruction.

See what I have to put up with?
It's been a week now since the process began, and it shows no sign of ending anytime soon. I expressed my displeasure and ordered a number of beheadings, but so far, nobody has paid any attention to me.

Fairbanks also made a valiant effort to
scare the workmen away by allowing a demon
to possess him, but it didn't work. 

On a brighter note, Katherine has to go to the doctor on Monday for shots. I hope they give her the one that makes her go to sleep . . . forever.

Monday, September 9, 2013

The rodent rebellion has been quashed.

I am pleased to announce that efforts to overthrow my reign by a contingent of rebels have been suppressed. Recently, it came to my attention that a group of neighborhood rodents - primarily mice and rabbits - had organized and developed a plan to oust me from my palace and bestow the kingdom upon some ridiculous little dog with bows in her hair. I have seen this dog out prancing about on a leash, which clearly demonstrates that she is an idiot; I can only assume the rodents intended to place this slobbering figurehead in power and rule from behind the scenes.

Fortunately for you, my loyal subjects, the rodent rebellion did not get very far. Fairbanks found one of their spies, a young rabbit whom they obviously thought we would overlook due to his age, and brought him into the palace for interrogation. We learned of their plan from this terrified bunny, who didn't even bother to try to resist long enough for any real torture to begin. The One Who Types insisted we release him unharmed.

Armed with the valuable information we extracted from the baby bunny spy, we managed to remain safe as the leaders of the rebellion were eliminated. Although my brother Nick is usually pretty useless, he proved his worth by beheading the leader of the mouse army and leaving his body in front of the palace to serve as warning to all the other rodents. It was actually pretty cool, although I wouldn't make a big deal out of it - we can't have Nick getting too full of himself.

Headless rodent rebellion leader

Anyway, the palace is secure, the rebels have been defeated and my sovereignty is stronger than ever. Unfortunately, Katherine was not killed during the fighting, but we can always hope a ceiling fan will fall on her or something.