Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Katherine ate my food!

The One is about to learn what happens to those who defy me.

This morning, I was lying in bed looking forward to enjoying a lovely dish of room-temperature squishy food and considering opening a window while the One's at work and pushing Clara the Cow out of it.

The One distributes the squishy food to the others before she brings me mine because I am special. And because Katherine shoves her head into her dish before the food has even landed. 

I hate Katherine.

Anyway, the One brought my dish of food up to my bedroom and said to me, "Nora, you can't eat on the bed. Where do you want to eat?" [Editor's Note: This is true.]

"Where do I want to eat?" Really?
How about right where I AM, stupid.
Why do you think I'm sitting here like this?

Obviously, the One suffered some kind of brain damage in her sleep last night. I patiently informed her that, as her sovereign, I am, in fact, entitled to eat anywhere I choose.

Again, the One told me I couldn't eat on the bed. And, since her words were not appalling enough already, she proceeded to wave my dish of food near my face and then set it on the floor next to the bed. Have you ever had a servant wave a dish of food near your face and then set it out of reach? Demeaning? I should say so!

That's right. This is what outrage looks like.

Now, I don't have to tell you (or maybe I do – for all I know, you're as stupid as Clara), the floor is where the others eat. 

And my nemesis, Katherine, is one of the others.

I did my best to control my temper (I got my distemper shot recently, even though I didn't need one, as I have been the picture of decorum all my life due to my royal heritage) and rolled over on my back, the better to demonstrate my fearsome claws. Also, sometimes when I look particularly adorable, the One does what I want without argument.

The One did not do what I wanted without argument. She didn't even do what I wanted. She argued!

"Nora, I'm not going to feed you on the bed. If you want to eat, your food's down here." She pointed to my dish, sitting there, mocking me, on the floor.

At this point, I had no choice but to stand up and announce with all the authority I could muster, "You will feed me on the bed or there will be painful consequences. Possibly a beheading. And I will definitely push Clara the Cow out the window while you're at work."

And . . . this is the worst part. Okay. Not the worst part – that part is coming – but it was bad. Really really bad. The One said to me (this is so horrible, I don't even know if I can repeat it), "Nora if you stay on the bed, Katherine's going to eat your food."

She actually SAID that to me! That brain damage I mentioned? It's confirmed. Why would ANYONE say something so horrible? And to ME! She should be thankful she's ALLOWED to feed me! And here she is casually suggesting that the bane of my existence might be allowed to eat my food just because I stood my ground and demanded to be treated in a manner suitable to my station in life?

Well, let me tell you, I responded in the only way I possibly could. I lay back down with my back to her and refused to speak.

This move was intended to guilt the One into finally doing what she was supposed to do in the first place – feed me on the bed. But did she do that? She did not. And you know what happened? 


I hope the One is prepared for the devastation and destruction that's about to rain down upon her life. When I'm finished with her, she'll be BEGGING to feed me on the bed. You just wait.

Also, I've almost figured out how to open the window. After Clara tumbles to her death, Katherine's next. The One wants to play this game? She has no idea who she's dealing with.