Saturday, May 17, 2014

The Contractor attack continues.

Yesterday was Day 5 of the onslaught. We huddle together in the basement, listening to the Contractor's fury above. So far, I don't think he is aware that Nick and I are still in the palace, thank Me. If he knew, he undoubtedly would have stopped searching for us upstairs. He has now destroyed most of the walls and even some of the floor and ceiling on the first floor.

Fairbanks, who is smarter than all my other minions put together, has discovered a secret passageway out of the basement and has attempted to escape and bring back help several times. Unfortunately, the Contractor has found him each time and returned him to the basement to spy on the rest of us. Fairbanks has been loyal and has not given up Nick's and my position. I must remember to reward him when this is all over.

We thought that the One was seeking assistance each day while we hid, since she is always gone before the Contractor arrives and does not return until he is gone, but I am beginning to suspect that she is just going to work. It should not take this long for her to rally an army to come to our aid.

It occurs to me that perhaps the Contractor is afraid of the One, and if she were to just stay at the palace all day, he would not show up. This theory is being tested today - the One did not get up and leave this morning, and so far the Contractor has not appeared. If this is the case, we're going to abscond with Katherine's food, under the assumption that if Katherine starves to death, the One will be forced to stay home and grieve for at least a year. The One is foolishly naive when it comes to recognizing how awful Katherine truly is.

I send this message out into the world in the hopes that someone will read it and come to our aid. If it goes on much longer, the palace will be completely destroyed and my position will be found out. For the sake of the realm, we cannot allow the rodents to win. And, by the realm, I mean me.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

The palace is under attack, and I have been forced to hide with Katherine and a cow.

Yesterday, the rodents sent a horrific monster called a "Contractor" to attack the palace. It ate all the bricks around the fireplace and smashed numerous holes in the walls surrounding the kitchen.

RIP bricks around the fireplace.
Sorry Contractors find you so tasty.

Fortunately, we knew it was coming, thanks to some fine spy work by Fairbanks, who captured a rodent informant and forced him to reveal the rebel army's plans.

Unfortunately, my stupid brother Nick accidentally murdered the informant shortly afterwards, leaving us with one less informant and a body to bury.

RIP rodent informant.
Sorry my stupid brother Nick is such a clumsy oaf.

Fortunately, we had enough information to know exactly when the Contractor would be arriving, so we were able to hide in the basement before it arrived.

Unfortunately, I was not able to convince the One that it was only critical to protect the royal members of the household (myself and my stupid brother Nick), so I had to spend the entire day in the basement with Katherine and Clara the cow.

Fortunately, the One left extra food down there with us, or we undoubtedly would have starved to death (and by we, I mean myself and Nick).

Unfortunately, Fairbanks was also trapped in the basement with us, so he was unable to vanquish the Contractor.

Fortunately, Fairbanks is working on a plan to escape through a secret hatch in the basement door. It's currently locked, but he believes he can find a way around it. When he does, he promises his first priority will be to amass an army and end the Contractor's reign of terror. It's a little hard for me to believe this, since his first task when he gets outside is usually to pee on the exterior wall, nibble on some grass, and take a nap, but he's our only hope, so I must take him at his word.

Until then, we must all huddle in the basement like rodents, which is obviously their diabolical intent.

Monday, May 12, 2014

The cattle industry is doomed.

The other night, I sent Fairbanks on an important mission for me. He was unsuccessful. Here is his account of what happened.

Fairbanks: Her majesty the queen has sent me from the palace to negotiate the sale of a cow.

Cattle Rancher: Queen Nora is a beautiful, gentle, and benevolent ruler. Please let her know that she does us a great honor by sending one of her trusted minions to transact business with us.

Fairbanks: Yeah. I'll pass that along. So, she has this cow she wants to sell. She says it's a giant cow. Easily big enough to feed an entire army and still have meat left over to feed starving kids or whatever. She also says, as a gesture of good will, she will include a small cat in the bargain.

Rancher: This cow of which you speak sounds magnificent! Do you have her with you now?

Fairbanks: No. She's back at the palace, but I have a picture of her. I also have a picture of the small cat.

Rancher: We have no use for a small cat, but I am definitely interested in the cow.

Fairbanks: The small cat is a gift. Her majesty believes you will be quite pleased with her. She barely takes up any room at all.

Rancher: We really don't need a cat. Can I see the picture of the cow?

Gigantic Cow for Sale

Rancher: That's not a cow.

Fairbanks: Her majesty says it's a cow. Contradicting her majesty is not recommended.

Rancher: That's a cat. I already told you we don't need any cats.

Fairbanks: I would advise you to keep your voice down. The queen is fond of beheadings.

Rancher: I'm not going to buy that ca . . . animal.

Fairbanks: She'll need a good reason. She tends to become cross when people don't do as she wishes.

Rancher: The reason is that she's trying to sell me a cat.

Fairbanks: She's trying to sell you a cow. And give you a small cat as a gift. You probably just looked at the wrong picture.

Rancher: Is that picture the cow she wants me to buy or the small cat she wants to give me for free?

Fairbanks: That's the cow. This is the cat. There's no way you could get them mixed up. One is small, and a cat. The other is the size of a small house, and a cow (according to her majesty).

Small cat free to any home
that will take her.

Rancher: That cat looks like she's the same size as the first one - it's just the picture that's a different size.

Fairbanks: I can assure you, the cow is much larger. I live with them both, so I'm an authority on their relative sizes.

Rancher: I . . . just realized I have enough cows. I'm not in the market to buy any more cows at this time.

Fairbanks: I shall pass on your message. Would you still like the small cat?

Rancher: No. I . . . don't need any cats.

Clearly, that cattle rancher is an idiot. If he can't tell the difference between a cat and a cow, I'm concerned for the entire beef industry. Next time you order a burger, you just keep this little story in mind.