Sunday, August 13, 2017

Things I Know About Cows

I am often asked, "Your Majesty. With all due respect, why do you hate Clara the Cow so much?"

My answer is that asking a queen such a ridiculous question demonstrates a complete lack of due respect, and your head ought to be removed from your body immediately.

Clara is despised because she is a cow. And because she refuses to accept her place in the world as a cow. And because she undermines the authority of the crown by being besties with my stupid brother Nick, who, despite being tailless and a complete idiot, is still a prince.

BFFs for no reason that anyone can discern.

Here is a list of important cow characteristics. If you can read this list and still question why I despise Clara, you are as dumb as Nick and probably don't have a tail either.

1. Cows are not special
For her entire life, Clara has insisted that there are fancy papers out there somewhere that prove she is a fancy cow breed with fancy cow parents and a lineage that makes her worth all manner of cow respect.

This claim is obviously impossible because it doesn't matter whom your parents are or where you come from or what kind of papers you imagine some breeder somewhere has; if you are not a cat, you are a lesser being.

Why would someone deliberately breed something so silly looking?

The fact that Clara has made up this whole "purebred" story and told everyone she meets that she's special makes her extra annoying because obviously the only residents of the palace who are actually special are myself and Nick. Because we are royal. And she is a cow.

2. Cows do not live in palaces.
This one is obvious. If you know anything about cows, you know they live in barns. Or pastures. Or corrals.

Is any of those things a palace?


You know why? Because royalty lives in palaces and cows do not.

Yet, there's Clara. Walking around the palace bold as you please. Sleeping on my sofa. And my bed. And my other sleeping spots. As if she belongs there.

A bed clearly designed for a cat – not for a barnyard animal.

She doesn't even have the decency to try to hide when she sees me coming. It's as if she thinks she is my roommate and not an interloper who belongs outside.

3. Cows do not need to be brushed.
Have you ever seen a cow? They have short hair. And they're never invited to balls or cocktail parties or shindigs. I know because I am royal and I go to balls and cocktail parties and shindigs all the time, and you know what I never see at them? Cows.

I bet you've never seen a cow at any of the parties you've been to either.

And yet, Clara insists that if someone is being brushed, she should be brushed. She even demands to be brushed when nobody is being brushed and the brush is just lying there. She is a brush whore.

Imagine for a moment how aggravating it is to be in the middle of brushing and to have a cow shove you out of the way and demand that the brush be used on her stupid, short cow fur. Because that's what she does. All the time.

4. Cows have no concept of personal space.
It's a well known fact that having a concept of personal space is a characteristic of more evolved beings. As a royal cat, I obviously have a highly evolved concept of personal space.

Cows, on the other hand, are unaware that there even is such a thing as personal space.

Clara does not respect the personal bubble.

She lies on me when I'm trying to nap.

She body-blocks me and shoves me out of the way whenever it suits her. 

She blunders through the open door and knocks Fairbanks over in her efforts to get outside faster than anyone else.

And her immense girth makes her particularly dangerous. It's almost impossible to get out of her way once she gets moving.

You've heard of a bull in a china shop? Well, she's a cow in a palace. Nobody is safe.

5. Cows have the leg strength to jump over moons.
Even though she has superior jumping abilities, Clara sits by the vanity in the bathroom and squeaks until the One lifts her up and sets her on the counter so she can drink out of the faucet.

Would you allow a cow to do this in your bathroom?

We won't even get into how uncouth one must be to drink directly out of a faucet (Katherine does it too, so that should give you an idea). The fact that Clara insists on being lifted and placed on the counter by my servant is, frankly, unconscionable.

6. Cows do not get chronic kidney disease.
The One recently informed us that Clara has stage 2 chronic kidney disease.

Clara is obviously faking it because it is a scientific fact that cows don't even have kidneys.

So now we all have to try different foods, and Clara keeps changing her mind about which ones she likes. So then the One has to go back to the store and get a different kind, even though the rest of the palace dwellers were perfectly happy with one we had.

Also, if I find out that Clara really does have chronic kidney disease, and it's contagious, there is going to be a reckoning.

The O.K. Corral's got nothing on this showdown.

I believe you can now see clearly how Clara makes life in the palace a nightmare. If I were you (which I wouldn't be because you are not royal), I would develop a healthy hatred of Clara, as well. Simply on principle.