Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Abandonment is cruel and far too usual. The authorities have been alerted.

In previous years, the One hosted Oscar Weekend festivities at the palace, which meant a minion (whom I shall simply refer to as S because he is Katherine's favorite, and I hate Katherine) visited the palace for the entire weekend. Everyone stayed in, ate tons of food, and delivered an appropriate amount of attention to me.

LAST year, the One disappeared for the entire weekend, leaving me and Nick (and the other minions, but I don't really care about them) to fend for ourselves. No special holiday food. No extra attention. Just an empty house.

Now I understand the same thing is going to happen THIS year!

A few weeks ago, the One left us to starve for days [Editor's Note: I was gone for one night.] while she went off on some Valentine's Day date. NOW she plans to abandon us AGAIN. I am not pleased. Not one bit.

I'm going to start hoarding food now, so when everyone else
starts to starve, I will still have nourishment.

The Queen has spoken.

Friday, February 21, 2014

Valentine's Poems for Palace Dwellers

I just found out I missed Valentine’s Day. I guess this would explain why the One was gone and didn't feed us for an entire weekend [Editor’s note: I was gone for one night]. I’d like to commemorate the holiday with some poems I wrote for my housemates.

Clara claims she's a bundle of snow,
But there's something you should probably know.
Her papers have yet to be found,
And I think she's suspiciously round.
She may think she's purebred,
But she's out of her head.
Her secret's out now;
She's really a cow.

Fairbanks, oh Fairbanks.
Man with an axe,
Executioner extraordinaire.
Your whiskers glisten with carnage,
You strike fear into the hearts of all.
That toy you drag around the house makes you look like an idiot,
But you are fierce and loyal,
And generally worth what I pay you.

There once was a kitten named Nick,
Who wasn’t especially quick.
He was quickly disgraced,
When his tail he misplaced,
And he never found it again and still wanders around with no tail, the moron!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate Katherine
And you should too.

Monday, February 3, 2014

Disappointing Nick is a serious offense.

My brother Nick wanted to play this morning, but the One was too busy getting ready to go to her "job" to participate. I glared at her and threatened to shun her when she gets home (I shunned her all day Saturday for spending far more time than could possibly be necessary petting Katherine before she got up and fed us . . . more on this momentarily), but she just kept drying her hair like I wasn't even in the room. Nick my be stupid and tailless, but he is still a prince and, as such, deserves the attention due one of royal blood. If she doesn't wave around that clump of feathers with the bell attached to it for Nick when she gets home tonight, I shall be forced to take extreme measures.

Poor Nick. Look how disappointed he is. 

I wasn't sure why my shunning was not having the desired effect on Saturday. I sat out of reach on the other side of my throne from the One all afternoon while she was watching Supernatural on television, but her suffering was not as significant as it should have been. Petting me is an honor, and being deprived of this honor ought to at least result in some tears, but the One endured her punishment with remarkable fortitude. She also continued to pay attention to Katherine, even though I had made it clear that was the reason for my dissatisfaction. Perhaps she would be more likely to take me seriously if I convinced my minions to shun her as well. Or, perhaps I will leave Katherine's bloody corpse on her pillow - I bet she'd pay attention then.

The One does not take me seriously at all.
Look at my face. Clearly I mean business.
Frankly, she's lucky to be alive.