Sunday, February 11, 2018

The Kingdom Will Soon Be in Shambles

Today is my final day as your gracious and humble monarch. I go to the great royal palace in the sky with dignity and poise, as is fitting of a queen.

Of course, this means that my stupid brother Nick shall now take the throne, in spite of the fact that he has no tail.

The kingdom is doomed.

Nick is not qualified to rule a placemat. He is foolish (remember that time he thought he was a velociraptor?), and vicious (remember that time he killed all those mice in cold blood?), and stupid (remember that time he became BFFs with a cow?).

But he is my successor, so there's nothing to be done.

Here are my instructions for Nick as he takes the throne (all of which he will undoubtedly ignore because he is stupid and has no tail).

1. Shun Katherine until your dying day.

I cannot stress this enough. Katherine is a blight on the very fabric of the kingdom and should never be allowed to forget it. If you hear about a free euthanasia day at the local hospital, sign her up (but don't tell her; she's liable to tell the One, and then you won't be able to drop her off there when the time comes).

2. Stop hanging out with that cow.

I know you think she's your BFF, but Clara murdered your sister and ruler. Even if you don't think her status as a cow is reason enough to cut all ties to her, the fact that she gave me kidney disease should be a clear call to action. Kick her out of the palace at once, and if possible, banish her to outer space. I hear cows can jump over the moon, so obviously she knows how to get there.

3. Trust Fairbanks' wise counsel.

Fairbanks is the only palace resident with any brains in his head. That includes you, Nick, so pay attention. Fairbanks is loyal and smart, and he will outlive you all. So if he says to do something, you do it without question. And humor him when he pretends to be a cowboy pirate; it makes him happy, and it's not hurting anyone.

4. Keep the One in line.

The One is soft-hearted, which makes her easy to take advantage of. She'll let livestock move into the palace, set rodent spies free before Fairbanks can interrogate them, and feed Katherine if you don't put your foot down (yes, Nick, I know you have paws and not feet; it's an expression).

She'll also make you go to the doctor for shots and hold you closely if the doctor gives you bad news, so she's worth keeping around. I know she loves you almost as much as she loves me, and she'll respect your reign, even though you don't have a tail. Nobody else would do that.

5. Be a good king.

The kingdom rests in your hands . . .  okay, fine, paws . . . now, Nick. It's time to stop being stupid and be royal.


To all my loyal subjects, I say thank you for your attempts to worship me as I deserve. It's not your fault you were not good enough at it; you were born of lesser stock and thus simply do not have the capacity to love someone as glorious as me adequately.

Farewell. And long live the King.


Friday, February 9, 2018

A Queen Killed by a Common Cow

As you may remember, Clara the Cow was diagnosed with fake chronic kidney disease a while back. I, of course, knew it was a ruse because cows don't even have kidneys.

As it turned out, the bovine not only had kidney disease, she had the contagious kind!

I have survived rodent rebellions, Fat Bird's espionage efforts, palace renovations, and Katherine's existence, and in the end, I have been done in by a common cow.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Things I Know About Cows

I am often asked, "Your Majesty. With all due respect, why do you hate Clara the Cow so much?"

My answer is that asking a queen such a ridiculous question demonstrates a complete lack of due respect, and your head ought to be removed from your body immediately.

Clara is despised because she is a cow. And because she refuses to accept her place in the world as a cow. And because she undermines the authority of the crown by being besties with my stupid brother Nick, who, despite being tailless and a complete idiot, is still a prince.

BFFs for no reason that anyone can discern.

Here is a list of important cow characteristics. If you can read this list and still question why I despise Clara, you are as dumb as Nick and probably don't have a tail either.

1. Cows are not special
For her entire life, Clara has insisted that there are fancy papers out there somewhere that prove she is a fancy cow breed with fancy cow parents and a lineage that makes her worth all manner of cow respect.

This claim is obviously impossible because it doesn't matter whom your parents are or where you come from or what kind of papers you imagine some breeder somewhere has; if you are not a cat, you are a lesser being.

Why would someone deliberately breed something so silly looking?

The fact that Clara has made up this whole "purebred" story and told everyone she meets that she's special makes her extra annoying because obviously the only residents of the palace who are actually special are myself and Nick. Because we are royal. And she is a cow.

2. Cows do not live in palaces.
This one is obvious. If you know anything about cows, you know they live in barns. Or pastures. Or corrals.

Is any of those things a palace?

No.

You know why? Because royalty lives in palaces and cows do not.

Yet, there's Clara. Walking around the palace bold as you please. Sleeping on my sofa. And my bed. And my other sleeping spots. As if she belongs there.

A bed clearly designed for a cat – not for a barnyard animal.

She doesn't even have the decency to try to hide when she sees me coming. It's as if she thinks she is my roommate and not an interloper who belongs outside.

3. Cows do not need to be brushed.
Have you ever seen a cow? They have short hair. And they're never invited to balls or cocktail parties or shindigs. I know because I am royal and I go to balls and cocktail parties and shindigs all the time, and you know what I never see at them? Cows.

I bet you've never seen a cow at any of the parties you've been to either.

And yet, Clara insists that if someone is being brushed, she should be brushed. She even demands to be brushed when nobody is being brushed and the brush is just lying there. She is a brush whore.

Imagine for a moment how aggravating it is to be in the middle of brushing and to have a cow shove you out of the way and demand that the brush be used on her stupid, short cow fur. Because that's what she does. All the time.

4. Cows have no concept of personal space.
It's a well known fact that having a concept of personal space is a characteristic of more evolved beings. As a royal cat, I obviously have a highly evolved concept of personal space.


Cows, on the other hand, are unaware that there even is such a thing as personal space.

Clara does not respect the personal bubble.




She lies on me when I'm trying to nap.

She body-blocks me and shoves me out of the way whenever it suits her. 






She blunders through the open door and knocks Fairbanks over in her efforts to get outside faster than anyone else.






And her immense girth makes her particularly dangerous. It's almost impossible to get out of her way once she gets moving.


You've heard of a bull in a china shop? Well, she's a cow in a palace. Nobody is safe.




5. Cows have the leg strength to jump over moons.
Even though she has superior jumping abilities, Clara sits by the vanity in the bathroom and squeaks until the One lifts her up and sets her on the counter so she can drink out of the faucet.

Would you allow a cow to do this in your bathroom?

We won't even get into how uncouth one must be to drink directly out of a faucet (Katherine does it too, so that should give you an idea). The fact that Clara insists on being lifted and placed on the counter by my servant is, frankly, unconscionable.

6. Cows do not get chronic kidney disease.
The One recently informed us that Clara has stage 2 chronic kidney disease.

Clara is obviously faking it because it is a scientific fact that cows don't even have kidneys.

So now we all have to try different foods, and Clara keeps changing her mind about which ones she likes. So then the One has to go back to the store and get a different kind, even though the rest of the palace dwellers were perfectly happy with one we had.

Also, if I find out that Clara really does have chronic kidney disease, and it's contagious, there is going to be a reckoning.

The O.K. Corral's got nothing on this showdown.


I believe you can now see clearly how Clara makes life in the palace a nightmare. If I were you (which I wouldn't be because you are not royal), I would develop a healthy hatred of Clara, as well. Simply on principle.

Monday, May 8, 2017

Enough about Groot already!

The One went to see Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 yesterday, and she hasn't stopped talking about Baby Groot since she came home.

It's all "blah blah Baby Groot" this and "blah blah so cute I can't even stand it" that.

From what I understand, this Groot creature is some kind of anthropomorphic tree. The palace is surrounded by trees – many of them recently planted – and I wouldn't call any of them "cute."

Groot can't possibly be as cute as a cat. As demonstrated here.

Baby Groot vs. Kitten

And I will remind you that the kitten in the above photo (the kitten is the one on the right) is nowhere near as adorable as I am. So clearly, if this kitten is cuter than Baby Groot, I am infinitely better than that stupid miniature tree.

So why isn't the One wandering around chattering about how cute I am?

Don't just wander off. That's a serious question!

Saturday, May 6, 2017

I'm surrounded by incompetence.

As you may have noticed, the One did not update my blog yesterday after I explicitly told her there would be consequences for such insubordination. And consequences there were.

I spend the entire night sleeping on the ottoman downstairs. That's right. The One's privileges are being revoked, starting with the honor of my presence on her bed while she sleeps.

Everyone knows that the safest place in the world to sleep is next to the queen. This is because queens are always protected by a phalanx (Yes, Nick, that's a word. Honestly, you'd think his royal education would have given him a better vocabulary. I blame his tutors. They spent far more time petting him and telling him he was adorable than teaching him anything. I had them all beheaded once I was in power.) of guards, and those guards are obviously most vigilant when the queen is sleeping.

This ottoman was the safest place in the world last night.

The One slept last night unprotected from assassins, unruly rodents, ninjas, poison, terrorists, tornadoes, and all the other threats I am constantly besieged by. She was not, however, safe from Katherine sleeping on her head or cows walking on her in the middle of the night.

My swift punishment worked. She is penitent and compliant this morning.

Unfortunately, she is also possessed of the worst memory of any human I've ever met. I know she likes to multitask, so I figured I'd do her a favor and dictated an entire blog entry to her while she was in the shower. It was one of the most brilliant blog entries I've ever written, filled with groundbreaking revelations, wit, and the kind of royal perfection only I am capable of.

Then she got out of the shower, spent about fifty times longer than is ever necessary getting ready, fed me and Nick (plus my servants and the cow), made some lists (Why that was necessary, I have no idea. I tell her what I need her to do when I need her to do it.), ate some applesauce, opened all the windows in the house, let Fairbanks outside (I am totally not joking – she seriously did all this stuff while I sat on the ottoman and glared at her!), and finally sat down at her computer to . . . you guessed it! Admit she had forgotten everything I said while she was in the shower and ask me to repeat it!

Well, I am certainly not about to repeat everything I said while she was showering and – apparently – not listening! What does she think I am? An echo?

So, I want to make it clear that the One's faulty memory is the reason you are not basking in my brilliance at this moment. You are missing some of the most insightful commentary you'll ever be privileged to absorb – the kind of profundity that could change your life forever – because the One couldn't be bothered to pay attention while in the shower.

Exactly.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

How did we end up here?

When it came time to seek out a new palace, Nick and I each put together a list of the qualities we required in a new ambassador/caretaker.

Here is my list:
  • Fashionable and polished, as is befitting of a representative for the queen and royal family
  • A confident public speaker and diplomatic communicator
  • Has great respect for the long-standing traditions of the royal house
  • Completely lacking in ego; willing to put aside everything in service to the crown 
  • An excellent strategist with experience quelling uprisings of all kinds
  • A skilled brushist

Here is Nick's list:
  • Nice

It has become clear to me that something went terribly wrong during the interview process. 

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Glorious New Era My Fluffy Royal Tail.

Do you see how long it's been since the One wrote down what I had to say?

I know what you've been thinking.

At first, you were ecstatic, knowing that I would soon be bestowing my wisdom upon you daily.

"Finally!" you thought, "The One can't possibly have anything to distract her from serving the queen now!"

During the first few days of silence, you probably gave the One a pass, figuring she was resting up after her job-losing ordeal. But seriously. How much energy does it take to lose something? My stupid brother Nick lost his tail, and that took no effort whatsoever!

Now almost a year has passed.

I understand if you were concerned. I know my most loyal subjects were sick with worry. "Why hasn't Her Royal Magnificence updated her blog in so long?" you undoubtedly thought. "Is she ill, perhaps? Has her kingdom been taken over by miscreant rodents? Is she trapped in a dungeon somewhere awaiting rescue?"

With the One at my beck and call all day, every day, my blog should have been filled with my brilliant insights.

But was it?

No, it was not.

She did do a lot of other things that demonstrated how little she respects me and my title, however.

For example. Instead of remaining at the palace and waiting on me, which is her duty, she went out looking for her job! She finally ended up finding one - not the one she originally lost, but a new one that resembled the old one but wasn't as good. Why she was stupid enough to accept such a poor substitute, I have no idea.

She then managed to lose THAT job after only a couple of months. Obviously, she subconsciously doesn't want a job, or she wouldn't keep misplacing them.

Here is a list of other things the One has been doing that weren't updating my blog:

Watching countless hours of entertainment on Netflix. And when I say "countless," I mean more than the highest number you can count to. Whatever that number is, she watches more hours of Netflix. To be fair, she does have pretty good taste in shows, so I often watch with her. And her hands are generally idle during Netflix time, so I do get petted and brushed regularly. But does my blog get updated? Not even a little bit.

Paying attention to my servants and the cow. This activity is not only a waste of time, it's practically treason. And, honestly, doesn't she know livestock has a purpose, and it is not being brushed or played with? If she updated my blog regularly, she would know because I would share my infinite knowledge on the subject with my readers, and by proxy, her.

Playing Portal. I don't even need to comment on this. Thinking with portals is the least useful skill there is. Nobody has ever been in an important meeting or war council and asked, "Who here can think with portals?" If they did, though, the One could raise her hand and be like, "Me! Me! Pick me!" And then they'd tell her, "You can leave. We were just weeding out the idiots." And she would hang her head and come back to the palace, where she would probably find some other excuse not to update my blog.

Doing "temp" and "contract" work. These aren't real jobs like the ones she keeps losing. They're just a reasons to leave the house and not update my blog.

Letting Katherine sleep on her head. I suppose if she's sleeping, she probably can't update my blog anyway, but still. Katherine is the worst. I don't let her near my head, and nobody else should either.


There are more. Like, for example, right now she claims she has to "get ready for bed." "Getting ready for bed" is code for "change clothes and watch Netflix on the upstairs TV instead of the downstairs TV."

If she doesn't update my blog every day this week, I'm going to put one of those mice Fairbanks sneaks into the house in her shoe. Or maybe her hair. A mouse will find its way into something, that's a guarantee.