Sunday, February 11, 2018

The kingdom will soon be in shambles

Today is my final day as your gracious and humble monarch. I go to the great royal palace in the sky with dignity and poise, as is fitting of a queen.

Of course, this means that my stupid brother Nick shall now take the throne, in spite of the fact that he has no tail.

The kingdom is doomed.

Nick is not qualified to rule a placemat. He is foolish (remember that time he thought he was a velociraptor?), and vicious (remember that time he killed all those mice in cold blood?), and stupid (remember that time he became BFFs with a cow?).

But he is my successor, so there's nothing to be done.

Here are my instructions for Nick as he takes the throne (all of which he will undoubtedly ignore because he is stupid and has no tail).

1. Shun Katherine until your dying day.

I cannot stress this enough. Katherine is a blight on the very fabric of the kingdom and should never be allowed to forget it. If you hear about a free euthanasia day at the local hospital, sign her up (but don't tell her; she's liable to tell the One, and then you won't be able to drop her off there when the time comes).

2. Stop hanging out with that cow.

I know you think she's your BFF, but Clara murdered your sister and ruler. Even if you don't think her status as a cow is reason enough to cut all ties to her, the fact that she gave me kidney disease should be a clear call to action. Kick her out of the palace at once, and if possible, banish her to outer space. I hear cows can jump over the moon, so obviously she knows how to get there.

3. Trust Fairbanks' wise counsel.

Fairbanks is the only palace resident with any brains in his head. That includes you, Nick, so pay attention. Fairbanks is loyal and smart, and he will outlive you all. So if he says to do something, you do it without question. And humor him when he pretends to be a cowboy pirate; it makes him happy, and it's not hurting anyone.

4. Keep the One in line.

The One is soft-hearted, which makes her easy to take advantage of. She'll let livestock move into the palace, set rodent spies free before Fairbanks can interrogate them, and feed Katherine if you don't put your foot down (yes, Nick, I know you have paws and not feet; it's an expression).

She'll also make you go to the doctor for shots and hold you closely if the doctor gives you bad news, so she's worth keeping around. I know she loves you almost as much as she loves me, and she'll respect your reign, even though you don't have a tail. Nobody else would do that.

5. Be a good king.

The kingdom rests in your hands . . .  okay, fine, paws . . . now, Nick. It's time to stop being stupid and be royal.


To all my loyal subjects, I say thank you for your attempts to worship me as I deserve. It's not your fault you were not good enough at it; you were born of lesser stock and thus simply do not have the capacity to love someone as glorious as me adequately.

Farewell. And long live the King.


Friday, February 9, 2018

A queen killed by a common cow

As you may remember, Clara the Cow was diagnosed with fake chronic kidney disease a while back. I, of course, knew it was a ruse because cows don't even have kidneys.

As it turned out, the bovine not only had kidney disease, she had the contagious kind!

I have survived rodent rebellions, Fat Bird's espionage efforts, palace renovations, and Katherine's existence, and in the end, I have been done in by a common cow.