Thursday, January 30, 2014

The Blonde One is shirking her duties.


It has come to my attention that, unlike the One who lives in the palace, the Blonde One Who Types does not disappear to a "job" all day long; thus she has absolutely no excuse for failing to take dictation from me on a daily basis.

Yes, yes. I know she has MS (which obviously stands for "My Servant") and has constant pain and blindness and whatnot, but that's hardly relevant. Beethoven managed to write music while completely deaf, and James Franco climbed out of a crevasse and walked for miles after cutting off his own arm! I hardly see how a little touch of blindness and some pain can possibly interfere with her ability to listen to me and type what I'm saying.

She should also be able to brush me and serve me treats under such conditions.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

New and Improved Nursery Rhymes

Dear Adoring Public,
Let's face it: Regular nursery rhymes are lame (just like my blonde typist--ha-ha!). They don't reference my life in any way. So I ask you: What's the point? (Note: That is a rhetorical question. Don't bother answering. Your response is as unnecessary as it is unneeded.) As usual, it is up to moi, Your Benevolent and Brilliant Ruler, to right this societal wrong. As a true Renaissance Royal, I have dabbled in poetry over the years, yet, because I am so humble and unassuming, I have never published under my own name. Until now, obviously.

Hey Diddle Diddle
Hey diddle diddle
Cats don't play fiddles.
The Clara jumped over the moon
But she's fat so she crashed
And the moon--it was smashed
And the world laughed at that buffoon.

--The True Nursery Rhymes, by Queen Nora

P.S. OMG. I am so horrified. Apparently a GOOSE is responsible for writing these rhymes!! A. Freaking. GOOSE!! Geese are mean and smelly and disgusting, and hang out in the WATER. That right there is a statement of their stupidity and irrelevance. They are not precious and cute and cuddly like kitty cats.

Private to M.G.: Calling yourself "Mother" does not, in any way, make you more appealing. Ever heard of Joan Crawford? RENOUNCE YOUR STORYTELLING PLATFORM AT ONCE, GOOSE, OR I SHALL BE FORCED TO TAKE SWIFT AND FAST ACTION TO BEHEAD AND/OR DECAPITATE YOU!

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

I am unique. And also the queen.

It has recently come to my attention that some people have foolishly made comparisons between myself and Grumpy Cat. Apparently, these people think that because we are both feline, Grumpy Cat and I have similar qualities. This is speciesist. And also unacceptable. If they bothered to look past our heritage, they would see that Grumpy Cat and I, in fact, have nothing in common.

First of all – and most important – Grumpy Cat is not of royal birth. This in itself is reason enough to recognize that we are nothing alike. I am a queen. Grumpy Cat is a commoner. 'Nuff said.

And, in case that reason isn't significant enough, Grumpy Cat also hates everything. I do not hate everything. I hate Katherine. And most of the time I kind of hate Clara the Cow. Otherwise, I am a loving, generous, benevolent ruler. I don't complain about things - I solve problems swiftly and judiciously. I stay executions at least once or twice a month. I give my minions a day off when they earn it. And this morning I allowed Clara the Cow to eat some of my special royal food. I could easily have punched her in the face, but I chose not to. Because that's the kind of queen I am. And, for the record, she didn't even appreciate it. So, who's grumpy now?

In case there is any further confusion, here is a list of cats with whom I have nothing in common:

Grumpy Cat – Reasons stated above

Henri, le Chat Noir – I actually think Henri may have royal blood somewhere in his lineage, but that's irrelevant unless he plans to try to usurp my throne . . . or marry me. Royal blood or no, Henri has terrible social skills, which is why he is never invited to balls.

Maru – Does anyone actually know what this cat does that makes him notable? His ears don't even work right [Editor's note: Maru is a Scottish Fold]. Nick is cooler than this guy, and he doesn't have a tail!

Snoopy Cat – This cat wears clothes. Need I say more?

Sam – I don't have eyebrows.

Lil Bub - Seriously?

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

The QNC Test - Rating movies based on what's actually important

You've all heard of the Bechdel Test, I assume.

You haven't? Okay. Well, the Bechdel Test is a film analysis tool used (from what I can tell) to demonstrate the absence of realistic portrayals of women's relationships in cinema.

To apply the test to the movie of your choice, you must determine if the movie a) has at least two female characters (with names) who b) talk to each other c) about something other than a man. If the movie does not fulfill these three criteria, it fails.

So, 12 Angry Men does not pass . . .

. . . but Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead totally does.

As interesting as all of this is (and by interesting, I mean irrelevant), all these film analyzers are completely missing the point. Most movies have both males and females in them (and if they don't, they're probably about martial arts or they're artsy films about a single character trying to keep his boat from sinking) – how many of them feature cats as significant elements to the story?

Having a hard time thinking of any? That's what I thought.

I call this the QNC Test [Editor's note: Nora felt it was fitting to name the test after herself, Queen Nora Charles], and I expect it to become the next big thing among film aficionados. As you consider all those films you think are so insightful, ask yourself: Does a member of the feline species actively contribute to the progression of the story? If not, the film fails. See how that side dish to your film-snobbery tastes.

I'm pleased that in 2013, the Coen Brothers managed to deliver a film that passes the QNC Test. Inside Llewyn Davis features a cat who is not relegated to the role of background scenery – or worse, a tool to create empathy for a character (yes, that's a thing - ask Blake Snyder).

The Coen Brothers understand how a cat can move
a story forward in subtle but significant ways.

I understand that in the original script for the play (and later the movie) Harvey, the pookah was a cat, but someone thought a rabbit would be more whimsical [Editor's note: Nora has no proof of this claim.]. Cats can be whimsical. We just choose not to.

Imagine how much better off Elwood P. Dowd would have been if Harvey had been a cat. He certainly wouldn't have had to worry about that meddling sister of his very long – cats have ways of handling meddling sisters that apparently rabbits are unaware of.

Harvey would have put a stop to all this nonsense
if he had been a cat.

[Editor's note: The film Harvey does pass the Bechdel test, FYI.]

I encourage all my readers to seek out other films that pass the QNC Test, make sure your own scripts pass the QNC Test when you write them, and demand that Hollywood start making movies that appropriately illustrate the important roles cats play in the lives of their minions. It's time for cats to be treated with the respect we deserve (and by cats, I mean me.)

Monday, January 20, 2014

Not okay, Nick!

The most horrible thing happened this morning! My eyes are still burning from the sight. I may never recover!

My stupid brother Nick kissed Katherine on the nose!

I think I may barf.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Ways to improve relationships among the palace dwellers

The One Who Types came across an article listing 10 habits people in happy relationships generally exhibit. Since I am rarely happy with the other palace dwellers, I decided to see if anything on this list might force the One and my minions to make me happy on a regular basis.

1. Go to bed at the same time

I go to bed when the One goes to bed because that's when she moves to another room; she can hardly pet me if we're in separate rooms. So, with respect to her, I guess this is a good suggestion, although it ought to go without saying.

On the other hand, recommending that the minions go to bed at the same time I do is hardly going to make me happy! If I'm using the bed, Katherine should be nowhere near it, because I hate her. Also, Clara the Cow takes up so much room, she pushes everyone else off. Fairbanks rarely sleeps on the bed, so I see no reason to add one more body to the mix if he's content to sleep elsewhere. I guess Nick can sleep with us if he stays out of the way and doesn't annoy me.

2. Cultivate common interests

This makes no sense at all. Minions should not have interests in common with those of us who have royal blood. My interests are all suitable for a queen. I'm hardly going to mingle with minions and participate in their common activities! Besides, their interests should be focused on worshiping me and making me happy.

Common interests, indeed.

3. Walk hand in hand or side by side

Ridiculous. How would anyone know I'm the queen if those of lower birth are presumptuous enough to walk along next to me like companions rather than servants?

4. Make trust and forgiveness your default mode


What's the next one?

5. Focus more on what your partner does right than what he or she does wrong

If I were to adopt his habit, I'd never have anything to focus on! Nobody in the palace does anything right - that's why I have to rule with an iron paw! Do you think I LIKE throwing people in the dungeon and beheading my subjects? [Editor's note: She does, actually.] I have no choice but to keep my subjects in line or they'd get up to all manner of mischief, such as eating all my special queen food, sleeping on my throne, and pushing me out of the way to get attention (you know who you are, Clara!).

6. Hug each other as soon as you see each other after work

Nick is in charge of hugs. I don't care what goes on in this category as long as I don't have to participate or witness it.

7. Say “I love you” and “have a good day” every morning

The One and the minions should already be saying these things to me - isn't that part of the "worshiping" contract?

As for me, I don't really care if they have a good day or not, and, frankly, if they think I love them, they'll take advantage of me, so . . . no on this one.

8. Say “good night” every night, regardless of how you feel

I don't feel like doing that.

9. Do a “weather” check during the day

I don't know what this means, but I know I don't want to do it.

10. Be proud to be seen with your partner

Right. Like I'd be seen in the company of any of my palace-mates. Really. I don't even like most of them, and Nick doesn't have a tail!

(The One says I have to give credit to the author of the original article - something about integrity and something else - I wasn't really listening. Anyway, here it is:

Goulston, M. (2009, November 14). 10 habits of happy couples: What does it take to be happy in a relationship? Retrieved from )

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

New year resolutions in the palace

This is the first time the One Who Types has agreed to write in my blog this year. She is trying my patience.

Here are the new year resolutions of all the palace dwellers:

Fairbanks: To spend more time outside and to improve his hunting skills

Even when he looks like he's resting,
Fairbanks is secretly planning his next hunt.

Also, I think he secretly resolved to push Clara the Cow out a window, but he won't say if that was on his list or not.

Clara the Cow: To get plenty of beauty sleep

Although she has, indeed, slept a lot since the beginning of the year, I'd say her resolution was actually to invade everyone else's personal space at all times, because that's what she's been doing.

Here, Fairbanks and I were taking a perfectly pleasant nap,
and Clara had to stuff her giant cow body into our space.

Katherine: To figure out how to open cans of squishy food and treat bags

This has been Katherine's resolution every year since I've known her. So far, she has failed miserably, which is not surprising, since she's so stupid. I can open cans of squishy food and treat bags, but I don't do it because I am the queen and such menial tasks are beneath me.

I'm pretty sure she's mentally ill. Seriously. Look at her.

My stupid brother Nick: Nick didn't make any resolutions because he didn't want to commit to something that might infringe upon someone else's resolution and ruin it for him or her. He's an idiot.

It's a good thing I didn't allow Nick to take the throne.
The kingdom would be in ruins by now.

The One Who Types: To eat less, shop less, and find a job doing something she's passionate about

Clearly, her priorities need to be reevaluated. Note that "type her majesty's blog daily" is not on that list. Uncool.

Queen Nora Charles: I have no need of resolutions. I am already perfect. [Editor's note: stop laughing - she's serious.]