Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Multiple Mice Dead at Palace, Murder Suspected

St. Louis – At least five mice were found dead in the vicinity of Queen Nora Charles' palace tonight. Exact cause of death has yet to be determined, but initial reports suggest that three of the mice suffered from internal injuries sustained as the result of violence. An investigation is underway.

The mice, whose names have not yet been released, were buried in the front garden shortly after they were found.

An unnamed victim of tonight's
massacre awaiting burial.

A representative for the rodents who dwell in the vicinity of the palace said, "I know they say they're investigating, but there's obviously something fishy going on. The bodies were buried immediately. What does that tell you?"

When asked to comment on the rodent representative's accusation, a local fish said, "Every time something like this happens, the rodents drag us into it."

Monday, May 23, 2016

An open letter to the Palace Patrol Association

I found this letter and thought it should be posted publicly.

I don't know who wrote it, but it was obviously someone extremely intelligent, and probably beautiful and deserving of a brushing as well (I'm assuming based on the quality of the writing).

Dear Palace Patrol Association,

There's someone who has barnyard animals on their palace property, and I don't like pigs or cattles for the following reasons:

1. They stink.
2. They are rude and fat and ugly.
3. Or they're skinny and bulimic and ugly.
4. They touch my stuff.
5. They have no manners.
6. They breathe my air.
7. They look at me.
8. No, I'm not a bigot against pigs and cows. I love them. They're especially delightful ground up in my breakfast.
9. They push unsuspecting lovely royalty off cliffs.
10. I hate them.

Doesn't this palace association have rules against livestock on the property?

You have until noon tomorrow to ground them into squishy food, or exile them to a desert island, where the pig will have to kill and eat the cow to sustain herself for the first day. After that, the pig will starve to death, and the world will be a better place.

Also, I think you should charge a fine to the disobedient resident who allowed these vermin on the property in the first place. You know where to find her.

Royally yours,