Monday, October 26, 2015

Rumors of assassination plots equal holidays for the queen

While out on one of his adventures, Fairbanks heard whisperings.

No, Nick. Not wiskerings. Gawd, you are so stupid sometimes.

(Sometimes I wonder if Nick is actually related to me. What if he was a stray, commoner kitten who wandered into the royal nursery and somehow got mistaken for a royal kitten? That would certainly explain a few things.)

There is a distinct possibility that he is not related to me.

So, anyway, Fairbanks heard rumors that the rodents - or someone else equally unsavory - were plotting my demise.

Obviously an assassination attempt could have long-term effects, not only on the palace, but on my entire kingdom and beyond – this is how world wars get started, after all – so the One decided it would be a wise precaution to take me to a secure bunker until the threat had passed. 

The bunker also happened to be where the One works, which I must say was surprisingly . . . and perhaps suspiciously . . . convenient. But, I had my own blanket to sleep on, my own food and water, and my own litter box. AND, I got petted and brushed all day by multiple worshipers without having to share the attention with any stupid siblings or livestock.

I was, of course, concerned about the assassination attempt, so I judiciously remained in my blanket fort all day. But that was okay. It meant worshipers had to kneel to address me, which is exactly as it should always be.

My assassin-free blanket fort

Saturday, October 24, 2015

The most horrifying video on the Internet


Just . . . NO.

It's this sort of thing that leads livestock to think it's okay to just live in palaces alongside royalty.


Friday, October 23, 2015

Something is definitely up.

The One is behaving in an unusual manner. Generally, when she disrupts the routine something bad happens.

This morning, she got ready and left the house just like usual, but she did it an hour earlier than usual. You know what happens when the One gets up and leaves the house early? She leaves and doesn't come back for months! [Editor's Note: I have never gone on a vacation that lasted for months.]

So, we were all on high alert throughout the getting-ready routine . . . but no suitcase ever appeared. Nobody had any idea what was going on.

We don't know when she'll be back, but she didn't put out the self-feeder, so it better be soon.

I have concluded that the One either left for one of her "vacations," with a secretly packed suitcase, or she has a brain tumor.

I quite clearly told the One that she is not allowed to leave the palace again for a year. If she has gone on a THIRD vacation in two months, I will be cross. And you do not want that; trust me.

If she has a brain tumor, I . . . well, I'll still be cross – she IS the one who feeds and brushes me, and she does occasionally type my blog for me.

I remember when Joan – the only minion I ever had that was worth anything – had a brain tumor.

I will never have a better minion. 

If the One does have a brain tumor, and she expects me to feed her from a spoon or hold her close to me when she's sleeping, she can rethink that right now.

I guess I could order Fairbanks to put her out of her misery, if it became absolutely necessary. But not if it becomes necessary at naptime.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Worst criminal investigation ever.

Yesterday while the One was at work. Clara the cow sat on me and nobody did anything about it.

Photographic evidence unavailable.
Because I don't have my own phone.

I informed the One as soon as she walked in the door, expecting my report would be met with wrath in Clara's general direction – or at least an uninterrupted period of brushing while Clara was locked in the garage. Instead she investigated my accusations like she'd been watching too many procedural crime dramas on TV.

Her report to the Blonde One following her investigation went as follows:

The One Who Types: I wasn't home when the incident occurred, and the eye-witness accounts are a little hard to reconcile against each other.

Seriously?? Reconcile against each other? Who talks like that? Nobody. That's who.

The Blonde One: Huh.

TOWT: Nick says Clara was with him all afternoon, so she has an alibi.

Of COURSE Nick gave Clara an alibi. She's his best friend! Any good investigator knows not to ask the best friend where the suspect was when the crime occurred. Best friends always lie. And besides, Nick was napping nearby, so the fact that he was with Clara doesn't absolve her of guilt.

TOWT: Fairbanks says Clara also tried to sit on him, but he got up and left the room, which solved the problem.

So, now Fairbanks is victim blaming me?? Like, if I don't want to be sat on in my own palace, I should have to leave my comfortable spot and sleep elsewhere? Not cool, Fairbanks. You're on my list now.

TOWT: Katherine says she doesn't remember what happened. While she was saying it, though, she winked and meaningfully glanced at the treats, not-so-subtly indicating that her memory might be jogged with an appropriate greasing of her paw. It's unlikely that her testimony would be in Nora's favor, though.

Like there was even any point in asking Katherine. She's useless. I hate her.

Why would anyone adopt this
hideous creature?

TOWT: Clara said she has sat on Nora numerous times in the past, and Nora didn't object, so she was within her rights.

That's not a defense. She just admitted she sat on me!

TBO: Stop right there. I've met Clara, and I know all she EVER says is "moo."

Best answer ever.

Clara still didn't get punished, though.