Worst criminal investigation ever.

Yesterday while the One was at work. Clara the cow sat on me and nobody did anything about it.

Photographic evidence unavailable.
Because I don't have my own phone.

I informed the One as soon as she walked in the door, expecting my report would be met with wrath in Clara's general direction – or at least an uninterrupted period of brushing while Clara was locked in the garage. Instead she investigated my accusations like she'd been watching too many procedural crime dramas on TV.

Her report to the Blonde One following her investigation went as follows:

The One Who Types: I wasn't home when the incident occurred, and the eye-witness accounts are a little hard to reconcile against each other.

Seriously?? Reconcile against each other? Who talks like that? Nobody. That's who.

The Blonde One: Huh.

TOWT: Nick says Clara was with him all afternoon, so she has an alibi.

Of COURSE Nick gave Clara an alibi. She's his best friend! Any good investigator knows not to ask the best friend where the suspect was when the crime occurred. Best friends always lie. And besides, Nick was napping nearby, so the fact that he was with Clara doesn't absolve her of guilt.

TOWT: Fairbanks says Clara also tried to sit on him, but he got up and left the room, which solved the problem.

So, now Fairbanks is victim blaming me?? Like, if I don't want to be sat on in my own palace, I should have to leave my comfortable spot and sleep elsewhere? Not cool, Fairbanks. You're on my list now.

TOWT: Katherine says she doesn't remember what happened. While she was saying it, though, she winked and meaningfully glanced at the treats, not-so-subtly indicating that her memory might be jogged with an appropriate greasing of her paw. It's unlikely that her testimony would be in Nora's favor, though.

Like there was even any point in asking Katherine. She's useless. I hate her.

Why would anyone adopt this
hideous creature?

TOWT: Clara said she has sat on Nora numerous times in the past, and Nora didn't object, so she was within her rights.

That's not a defense. She just admitted she sat on me!

TBO: Stop right there. I've met Clara, and I know all she EVER says is "moo."

Best answer ever.



Clara still didn't get punished, though.