Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Dear Cat Sitter . . .

It appears that the One mistakenly thinks she has been granted leave to visit a kingdom called "Mexico."

Obviously, there is no way she'd be given permission to abandon her queen, especially so soon after she disappeared to "Atlanta" for "DragonCon" and was gone for months [Editor's Note: It was four days]. I have forbidden any leaving of any palaces for the next year as punishment for that bit of insubordination. She's grounded. That's all I have to say on the subject.

However, if a year should pass and she should manage to avoid adding any time to her sentence for poor behavior, I have put together this guide to providing proper care for myself and my stupid brother Nick.

A portrait of Queen Nora and Prince Nick

I assume the One will expect you to care for Fairbanks, Clara, and Katherine as well. Fairbanks is useful, so you may care for him in any way you wish, but I would be willing to pay handsomely if you could, maybe, just forget to feed the cow and the other one. It would be perfectly understandable if something like that slipped your mind. Especially if they were to end up locked in a bathroom or stuffed into a box before you showed up.

Official Cat-Sitter Instructions

Nick and I eat squishy food every day. Fairbanks can have squishy food, too. Clara is a cow, so put her outside and tell her to eat some grass. If we're lucky, she'll wander off and forget to come back. There's no need to feed Katherine. She is old and sickly and we're just waiting for her to die of natural causes . . . (shut up, Nick - starvation is a natural cause!).

Nobody is allowed to sit on my counter-blanket but me.

Some people don't follow directions well at all.

Never pet Clara the Cow. Petting her only encourages her to stay. I am certain that if everyone just stopped petting her, she'd wander off and forget where she lives.

Still on my blanket. 
Also, I drink a lot of water, so make sure all the water bowls in the house are filled at all times. Then fill a regular glass with water and set it on a table or counter where I can drink out of it. I don't drink out of peasant bowls, but I do expect them to be full. Just in case. You might have to come over three or four times a day to see to this requirement. I would text you to remind you, but the One won't let me have my own cell phone.

You see what I have to put up with??

Finally, Nick is a big weenie, so you might not see much of him. But if you do, you should definitely pet his face because he really likes that, and he won't speak up for himself, so I have to do it.

Feel free to walk all over Nick.
Everyone else does.
Oh. And I would like to be brushed every three hours. Around the clock, naturally.

Those are your instructions. IF I ever let the One leave town again. I may not.

I will still allow you to come over and brush me every three hours, however.

You're welcome.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

When Nicks Cry: A Tale of Immeasurable Disappointment

A spectacular moment of triumph was ripped from my grasp this morning. I may never forgive my stupid brother Nick for interfering in what should have been the best day of my life (besides the moment Nick was deemed unworthy of the crown due to his tail misplacement and I was coronated in his place).

Fairbanks FINALLY agreed to execute Katherine. Whether his execution docket was so full that he just got around to her, or he's been slacking all this time, I can't say. I mean, who really knows where he disappears to when he's outside and nowhere to be found for hours? Perhaps he has been diligently carrying out my orders of execution all this time, and he's just been being humble when I've asked him where he's been, and he's said, "around."

Anyway, it was Katherine's time. Fairbanks lured her into the bathroom with a promise of extra squishy food, knowing the One would be closing the door during her shower, thus preventing Kat's escape.

Once the One was in the shower, Fairbanks attacked. An epic battle ensued (who knew Katherine was such a scrappy little thing?) with snarling and hissing and fur and toilet paper flying.

The aftermath

I listened gleefully for the sound of Katherine's lifeless body falling to the floor.

Instead, the sound I heard was Nick crying. I don't know if you have ever heard Nick cry, but it is a horrible, pitiful sound that echos throughout the palace and sets the teeth of all who hear it on edge.

Apparently, Nick was (in his words) "afraid someone was going to get hurt."
"Of COURSE someone is going to be hurt, stupid," I said, "that's what happens when someone is executed!"

Nick continued to howl, and Fairbanks opened the door to find out what he was so upset about. (Fairbanks either has a door-opening superpower he failed to disclose on his application for headsman, or the One didn't make sure the latch was true when she shut the door.)

So, the execution was put on hold while Fairbanks discussed the concept of "inside voice" with Nick and Katherine ripped off pieces of toilet paper and ate them. Because Katherine will eat anything.

Still alive.

I hate her.

If Nick weren't my brother, I'd have killed him myself, even if it IS unbecoming for a queen to soil her paws with manual labor. I think maybe his brains were in his tail.