Sunday, August 30, 2015

What I learned from watching The Walking Dead

The One says I have to say SPOILER ALERT before I can start writing my blog. Did she warn me that she was going to spoil my life by allowing Katherine to live in the palace? She did not.

One of my favorite shows is The Walking Dead because, following the zombie apocalypse, all the cats realized how foolish they'd been to ignore their queen for so long, but when they begged her to let them enjoy the safety of the palace, she laughed at them all and said, "no!" [Editor's note: This does not constitute a spoiler, since it did not actually happen on The Walking Dead.] Also, zombies ate a cow [Editor's note: Spoiler alert in 3 - 2 - 1].

There weren't any pictures of the cow, but here's
a picture of what happened afterwards, which
was almost as good because Dale was a little bitch.

Another thing I loved about The Walking Dead was the nice group of men Daryl joined up with for a while who lived by a well conceived code. If any of these men saw something he wanted, all he had to do was yell "CLAIMED" and he got to keep it. If I lived in the post-zombie-apocalypse world, I would have my minions run around and claim everything for me.


Here is the latest thing I claimed.

It's a kitchen cabinet. I get to sit in it anytime the One removes the cat food container. I explained to her that, because I claimed the cabinet, she has to take the food container out whenever I tell her to and let me sit in there, but she doesn't quite seem to grasp the concept. Which is stupid because she watched The Walking Dead with me, so she knows about the rule.

Fat Bird has been vanquished. No thanks to any of you.

Fat Bird has been terrorizing the palace all week. Every day, she's been out on the deck, hopping around and harassing us with her feathery presence.

As you can see, I am enduring the torture
far more gracefully than the two idiots behind me.

Yesterday, Fairbanks finally agreed to confront her, and she flew away the moment she saw him. Today, there is no sign of her. I believe she has finally learned that messing with the queen is a dangerous game.

Friday, August 28, 2015

Who is this cat and why is he receiving exclusive royal perks?

Take a look at this.

Got it?

Now, my question.


Answer: No. No it is NOT me. It is some other cat who is NOT the queen.

Another question: Why is that cat – the one who is NOT the queen – receiving extra brushing when I am not?

Can't answer that one, can you? Because someone has failed in her duties as the One Who Brushes.

I am unhappy.

Does this look like a happy face to you?
No. Because I am UN happy.

Someone better fix this.

And by fix, I mean have that cat executed and see to it that my extra brushing begin immediately!

At least it isn't Katherine.

The queen has spoken.

Monday, August 24, 2015

Return of Fat Bird: The Plot Thickens

Yesterday, I saw no sign of Fat Bird and assumed she had been shot out of the sky by an anti-nuisance missile. This morning, however, I came downstairs to discover that she had not only returned to her spot on the deck, but Clara was talking to her!

"What are they talking about?" you ask.
"Exactly," say I.

Clara was chattering away, as if sharing vital secrets regarding palace dwellers with strangers was a completely normal thing to do.

I told her to stop it at once. She looked cagey and claimed Fat Bird was trying to sell her some carb-free squishy food that had been “found” in a nearby warehouse. Like anyone would be stupid enough to fall for that. She was obviously lying to cover her tracks. She’s up to something; I’m sure of it.

I ordered Fairbanks to keep an eye on the two of them while I took my after-breakfast nap, but who knows if he’ll actually do it? He’s become extremely lazy of late.

Saturday, August 22, 2015

A New Threat: The Arrival of Fat Bird

The rodent rebels have been quiet for some time now. Fairbanks still patrols for spies daily, and he reports that many of the rabbits he originally had on his watch list have either moved to camps far from the palace or grown into adult rabbits, which, he says, all look the same.

Yesterday, however, a new threat appeared. The whispers began mid-afternoon – someone was on the deck. I, of course, assumed it was Katherine, who goes out to find leaves to add to her collection, but no. Katherine was inside with Clara (who was not executed for the water-wake-up incident, despite my insistence that taking swift and decisive action would send a valuable message to the others), staring at the newcomer through the window.

My two least favorite minions discovered the
interloper. Coincidence? I think not.

The interloper was a fat brown bird. Clearly up to no good, she sat on the deck all afternoon and into the evening, fluffing her feathers and eyeing us through the window with beady, suspicious eyes.

Fat Bird

Fairbanks, who is supposed to be in charge of palace security, said he’d never seen her before, but he wasn’t interested in engaging unless she posed a more obvious threat. Like her very presence on my deck wasn’t threatening enough?? I’m seriously considering demoting Fairbanks. Or having him beheaded. He is becoming decidedly useless as he ages.


My stupid brother Nick was oblivious. Even when the One tried to point out the fat bird to him, he thought she was trying to pet him and just had really bad depth perception, so he helped her out by putting his head in her outstretched hand. He really is stupid.

Nick! Look behind you! Fat Bird is RIGHT THERE!!!

Here are some possible reasons for the fat bird’s presence on the palace premises:

1. Fat Bird is a spy for the rodent rebels and is gathering intel by pretending to be an innocent bird.

2. Fat Bird is a decoy for the rodent rebels, hoping to keep our attention on the deck in back of the palace while the rodents move in and lay siege to the front door.

3. Fat Bird is a French expatriate hiding from . . . the French.

4. Fat Bird is a diet guru who heard my complaints about Clara’s girth and has come to perform infomercials touting low-fat cow chow.

If it is any of the first three, I shall see to it that the fat bird comes to a swift and painful end. If it’s the fourth, the fat bird is obviously not an expert on losing weight (look at her!) and, so, hardly a fit spokesfowl for a diet product. A swift and painful end is probably the best course regardless.