Velociraptors have tails.

My stupid brother Nick has decided he wants to be a velociraptor. Now he's jumping around the house like an idiot, chomping his teeth at people.

I explained to Nick that he is far too stupid to be a velociraptor. Also, raptors have tails. So far, my arguments have been met with further displays of foolishness, complete with his refusal to respond with anything but "raaawwr."

Nick's sudden fascination with dinosaurs is entirely due to the fact that we watched Jurassic World last night. Apparently, Nick was inspired by the stars of the film – four velociraptors who had to save humans from their own stupidity.

Maybe Nick imagines himself as the hero of a movie, which is ridiculous because nobody would even make a movie about Nick, much less make him the hero.

Or maybe he just wants to hang out and be BFFs with Chris Pratt. Katherine said she'd like to be BFFs with Chris Pratt, but I doubt Chris Pratt wants a pig living in his house.

Fairbanks suggested that maybe Nick liked the parts of the movie in which the dinosaurs bit the heads off of their prey. If that's the case, I'm going to have to keep a closer eye on him, especially after the recent mouse massacre.

Here are some of the things I learned from watching Jurassic World. (Oh, and the One says I have to warn you that there might be spoilers. Honestly, if you've seen the preview for Jurassic World – or the first half hour of the movie – there isn't anything I could say that would ruin it for you, but whatever.)

• The Navy trains people for careers as dinosaur trainers.
• Mr. Fisk could have been an evil military defense contractor in another life, although he would have had to give up his personality to do it, so he's definitely better off in the Hell's Kitchen timeline.
• Children will pay attention to each other if their cell phones are broken.
• It takes less time for two adults to run across an island than it does to drive the same distance.
• If a character's tidy clothes and hair get ripped and disheveled, it means she has become a different person on the inside, also.
• People who don't enjoy each others' company on a date will discover they are, in fact, attracted to each other if they spend time running from near-death experiences instead of talking.

Anyway, if Nick jumps across your path, looks at you with his head cocked to the side, and says, "raaawwr," you'll know why.

I hope he watches a movie about the French revolution and feels inspired to execute Katherine.

Rumors of assassination plots equal holidays for the queen

While out on one of his adventures, Fairbanks heard whisperings.

No, Nick. Not wiskerings. Gawd, you are so stupid sometimes.

(Sometimes I wonder if Nick is actually related to me. What if he was a stray, commoner kitten who wandered into the royal nursery and somehow got mistaken for a royal kitten? That would certainly explain a few things.)

There is a distinct possibility that he is not related to me.

So, anyway, Fairbanks heard rumors that the rodents - or someone else equally unsavory - were plotting my demise.

Obviously an assassination attempt could have long-term effects, not only on the palace, but on my entire kingdom and beyond – this is how world wars get started, after all – so the One decided it would be a wise precaution to take me to a secure bunker until the threat had passed. 

The bunker also happened to be where the One works, which I must say was surprisingly . . . and perhaps suspiciously . . . convenient. But, I had my own blanket to sleep on, my own food and water, and my own litter box. AND, I got petted and brushed all day by multiple worshipers without having to share the attention with any stupid siblings or livestock.

I was, of course, concerned about the assassination attempt, so I judiciously remained in my blanket fort all day. But that was okay. It meant worshipers had to kneel to address me, which is exactly as it should always be.

My assassin-free blanket fort

Criticize this.

I have received some criticism regarding my blog posts to date. I'm told that my blog is much too negative, and that nobody is going to want to read the "rantings" (yes, RANTINGS) of a hostile, angry cat, even if she is the queen.

Well, here is what I have to say to those critics:

I am the queen, and I can write anything I want, Nick.

Also, you don't know anything about blog-writing because you aren't as smart as I am.

Plus, you don't even have a tail, so shut up.

Nick. No tail. No idea how to write a blog.
No idea how embarrassing he is.