Saturday, May 6, 2017

I'm surrounded by incompetence.

As you may have noticed, the One did not update my blog yesterday after I explicitly told her there would be consequences for such insubordination. And consequences there were.

I spend the entire night sleeping on the ottoman downstairs. That's right. The One's privileges are being revoked, starting with the honor of my presence on her bed while she sleeps.

Everyone knows that the safest place in the world to sleep is next to the queen. This is because queens are always protected by a phalanx (Yes, Nick, that's a word. Honestly, you'd think his royal education would have given him a better vocabulary. I blame his tutors. They spent far more time petting him and telling him he was adorable than teaching him anything. I had them all beheaded once I was in power.) of guards, and those guards are obviously most vigilant when the queen is sleeping.

This ottoman was the safest place in the world last night.

The One slept last night unprotected from assassins, unruly rodents, ninjas, poison, terrorists, tornadoes, and all the other threats I am constantly besieged by. She was not, however, safe from Katherine sleeping on her head or cows walking on her in the middle of the night.

My swift punishment worked. She is penitent and compliant this morning.

Unfortunately, she is also possessed of the worst memory of any human I've ever met. I know she likes to multitask, so I figured I'd do her a favor and dictated an entire blog entry to her while she was in the shower. It was one of the most brilliant blog entries I've ever written, filled with groundbreaking revelations, wit, and the kind of royal perfection only I am capable of.

Then she got out of the shower, spent about fifty times longer than is ever necessary getting ready, fed me and Nick (plus my servants and the cow), made some lists (Why that was necessary, I have no idea. I tell her what I need her to do when I need her to do it.), ate some applesauce, opened all the windows in the house, let Fairbanks outside (I am totally not joking – she seriously did all this stuff while I sat on the ottoman and glared at her!), and finally sat down at her computer to . . . you guessed it! Admit she had forgotten everything I said while she was in the shower and ask me to repeat it!

Well, I am certainly not about to repeat everything I said while she was showering and – apparently – not listening! What does she think I am? An echo?

So, I want to make it clear that the One's faulty memory is the reason you are not basking in my brilliance at this moment. You are missing some of the most insightful commentary you'll ever be privileged to absorb – the kind of profundity that could change your life forever – because the One couldn't be bothered to pay attention while in the shower.

Exactly.

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