Contrary to popular belief - instigated by a woman who claimed to be a pet behavior expert (if she was such an expert, why did she not bow down before me and offer me treats?) - my presence in the palace is not the reason Fairbanks is unhappy. And I can prove it.
As you can see in this picture, Fairbanks is sitting at the foot of my throne, and he is in a perfectly good mood.
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| No fury here. (No, Nick, it is not spelled "furry.") |
This is because he recognizes and accepts my superiority, appreciates the fact that I leave him alone and don't eat his food, and has benefited from gainful employment as my executioner since my reign began.
Now, take a look at this picture, in which Fairbanks is clearly highly agitated and shooting eye-beams-of-death at his nemesis, Clara the Cow.
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| Beware the wrath of Fairbanks. |
(Yes, I know Nick is in the picture, too, but Nick is too stupid for anyone to dislike him. Also, Fairbanks's death glare is obviously directed at Clara. I mean, just look at him! He's in such a rage, he can barely contain himself! I'm surprised he didn't claw her to shreds just after this picture was taken. That is one angry cat!)
As further proof that I am being unfairly maligned (yes, Nick, I know what that word means; if you had spent more time studying and less time looking for your tail when we were younger, maybe you could use fancy words, too), every time Clara the Cow crashes into Fairbanks's personal space, he growls, hisses, and bites her ears. Does he do this to me? Of course not. Because he does not loathe me. He loves and worships me, which is as it should be. Additionally, I don't invade the personal space of others. Because I am a queen, and that sort of behavior is common and beneath me. Also, Clara is always there first.
So, in conclusion, I believe I have definitively proven that Fairbanks's misery is not due to the fact that he lives in my palace, but solely due to Clara the Cow's presence in his life. I propose that Clara be banished immediately. And that everyone who has, until now, blamed me for Fairbanks's bad behavior apologize and offer me his or her allegiance, along with three cans of Fancy Feast, within five days or face consequences.
Sincerely,
Your Benevolent Ruler
Queen Nora Charles
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