Thursday, June 13, 2013

I told you I wasn't fat.

As this first week of my diet has passed, I have discovered some facts that completely vindicate me and my assertion that I am, in fact, not overweight. 

It turns out that the treasonous "fat" accusation I reported on Saturday was actually a strategic ruse concocted by Dr. Kay and the One to deliver to me special royal perks without the other palace dwellers realizing they’re being treated like the lesser beings they are.

You see, the One puts up with a lot of undesirable behavior from my minions.

Some examples:
  • Once my stupid brother Nick ate a bunch of earplugs (he thought they were toys … which still doesn't explain why he ate them) and had to have them surgically removed from his stomach.
  • My executioner, Fairbanks, brings traitorous birds, mice, moles, rabbits, and other critics of the crown inside and conducts interrogations in the middle of the living room. He also protects the palace from intruders by peeing on things. 
  • Katherine walks around the house like she’s not the worst.
  • And just this morning, Clara the cow attacked a washcloth and tried to kick it to death with her back claws. 
As you can imagine, with this kind of tomfoolery going on, efforts to provide me the special attention I deserve due to my royal status can be met with unpredictable results. 

So, in a stroke of brilliance, the One conspired with Dr. Kay to implement this scheme. They pulled some incredible slight-of-hand to swap out the scale they used to weigh Nick with a faulty one, then claimed I was overweight. This means I am now served a whole can of special squishy food twice a day! Do the others get squishy food twice a day? They do not. They are required to share a single tiny can of regular, boring, commoner squishy food in the morning and eat bland crunchy food the rest of the time. 

The best part is that nobody else is allowed to eat my special food. Even Katherine doesn't get to eat my special food, which is awesome because Katherine eats everything. So, not only am I finally being given the exclusive perks I deserve, Katherine is being denied her favorite things, and I now have proof that anyone who says I am fat is a big liar.


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