My official statement regarding the mouse massacre

As I'm sure you've heard by now, all of my servants have come under the One's scrutiny because multiple mice were slaughtered in and around the palace last night.

I, of course, am exempt from suspicion because I am the queen. Even if I wanted to provoke the locals into a war, I would hardly soil my royal paws with such a filthy activity.

Also I was sleeping on the sofa near the One's feet all evening and thus have an alibi.

I understand that the cow has been cleared, although I hardly think that's wise. Who is more sneaky than a cow, I ask you? They're all liars. Show me one cow with any scruples, and I'll eat Katherine's food. Strike that. Just give me Katherine's food and don't make me look at any cows.

Clara had means, motive, and opportunity.

Means: Clara doesn't have to possess any hunting or killing skills to dispatch numerous rodents. She just has to sit on them. She could have killed them all simultaneously just by gathering them together and reclining. How would she gather them together, you ask? Don't be silly. With cheese, obviously.

Motive: Clara is stupid. Stupid cows do stupid things for no reason whatsoever.

Opportunity: Where was Clara all evening? Was she bothering me? Well . . . yes.

But I'm certain there was a period of time when she wandered off to bother someone else. A period of time long enough to sit on a bunch of mice lured into her presence with cheese.

Here you can see Clara practicing her mouse-luring skills.
It's obvious what she's up to.

Fairbanks was seen trotting confidently away from the scene of the first murder immediately before the One discovered it, which makes him a suspect.

Fairbanks is often accused of murder due to the fact that he is my executioner and it is his job to behead criminals on my orders. This is not murder; it is his duty.

Fairbanks has also brought numerous birds, bunnies, mice, moles, and other creatures into the palace over the years to interrogate them regarding sneaky spy activities that birds, bunnies, mice, moles, and other creatures are known to participate in. He keeps these miscreants alive, however, because he has yet to discover a way to get dead spies to provide useful information.

My stupid brother Nick is also a suspect because he was found lying near the first mouse when it was found. But was it the first mouse killed? We do not know. Perhaps Clara put it there to throw suspicion off herself.

Nick has been accused of mouse murder in the past, although he has never been convicted. All the evidence is circumstantial.

On several occasions, Nick has been found near mice that were missing their heads. Perhaps people assume that if he was capable of losing his tail, he is also likely to misplace rodent heads, but I highly doubt he's crafty enough to get a rodent to part with its head in the first place. I mean, look at him!

Nick couldn't even behead a toy mouse.

The last time Nick was found near a headless rodent, he claimed he was trying to give it CPR. While I find it difficult to believe that he could possibly have caught and beheaded the mouse in question, I find it equally impossible to imagine Nick having any clue as to how to perform CPR. He is, after all, Nick.

Fairbanks' habit of keeping hostages alive and Nick's habit of accidentally stumbling across headless mice clearly suggest that neither Nick nor Fairbanks is guilty of this particular crime. At least three of the mice found still had their heads, and all of the mice were definitely dead.

But then, of course, there's Katherine. Katherine looks tiny and innocent, much like a baby pig, but she cannot be ruled out.

The resemblance is uncanny.

I've recommended that Katherine be convicted and beheaded on principle. How do we know that the only reason any corpses were found at all is that Kat had not had time to eat them all? If they do an autopsy, will they find hundreds more mice in her stomach? I say we check, just to be sure. Nobody is safe as long as this menace is on the loose.